Happy Fat Tuesday! You are no doubt wondering how best to celebrate this day-before-Lent event, when you are expected to pile up enough sins to get you through the next 40 days.
Here are five tips for having a truly decadent Fat Tuesday:
5. Don't leave the house If you're going to be truly decadent, that means you're going to have to break as many of those seven deadly sins as possible. That includes sloth, so no going to a Mardi Gras parade and jumping up for beads. No going to work, either. If you want to do this right, you're going to have to get up at noon and, among other things, begin drinking heavily.
4. Indulge with the full knowledge you're giving nothing up for Lent Yes, Fat Tuesday is supposed to be one last big blowout before the sacrifices of Lent. You're so badass you're blowing out without the least intention of giving anything up for Lent. Suck on that, God!!
3. Get a noise-ordinance citation We know, we know -- what's so decadent about this? Under the city's new noise ordinances, smooth-jazz clubs are getting cited for playing their drum brushes too loud. Still, police involvement: Major points on the decadent scale.
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2. Ask a neighbor to flash her boobies What's the worst that can happen? (Note: Have beads available if she complies. And have bail money available, too.)
1. Worship the devil That's right, this year you're going all in on the decadence. You're not just playing the devil's music, you're bowing down to an iconic image of Beelzebub. Just be sure to have gotten the Jerry Jones poster you'll need for this purpose the night before because, remember, you can't leave the house Tuesday due to that whole "sloth" thing.