I was all set to continue riding the Tiger Woods gravy train for one more day. I even had an idea for the Fallen One's eventual triumphant comeback -- not to give too much away, but the training sequence from Rocky III figured prominently.
But then the Meredith Baxter story hit, and I realized the pop-culture relevance of the mom from Family Ties and Family coming out of the closet far outweighed another tired story about Tiger. Okay fine, Sean Pendergast beat me to it. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
But whoa man...Elyse Keaton gay? It explains so much. From Steven's perpetual borderline depression to Alex's rabid conservatism, no doubt ignited -- in a perverse twist on the Batman origin -- when he stumbled upon Mommy and some other fellow Woodstock refugees "experimenting" in the Keaton family rec room. Even better, it got me thinking about other well-known TV moms, and the odds that any of them might have also...preferred the company of women.
Lucy Ricardo (Lucille Ball) -- I Love Lucy
Straight or Gay? Gay. And so was her husband.
Compelling Evidence: Not many people realize this, but Lucy and Ricky were TV's first matching beards.
June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) -- Leave it to Beaver
Straight or Gay? Sapphic-American
Compelling Evidence: No straight woman could resist Eddie Haskell's musky charms.
Lily Munster (Yvonne De Carlo) -- The Munsters
Straight or Gay? Necrophiliac
Compelling Evidence: If you sleep with a reanimated corpse, does it matter what sex the corpse(s) are?
Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) -- The Brady Bunch
Straight or Gay? As an arrow
Compelling Evidence: I'm actually just playing the odds, since Mike...well, we all know about Mike. And Alice never gave it up to Sam, no matter how much meat he brought.
Shirley Partridge (Shirley Jones) -- The Partridge Family
Straight or Gay? Don't know, don't care.
Compelling Evidence: My mother looks just like Shirley Jones. I don't want to think about it.
Marion Cunningham (Marion Ross) -- Happy Days
Straight or Gay? Straight
Compelling Evidence: The Fonz wanted nothing more than for Mrs. C to "sit on it," and his radar was never off. Except maybe for Pinky Tuscadero.
Louise Jefferson (Isabel Sanford) -- The Jeffersons
Straight or Gay? Wears comfortable shoes
Compelling Evidence: Ours can't have been the only adolescent hormones carbonated by the thought of what Weezie, Florence, and Helen were up to while George and Tom were at work. We bet they even tied up Mr. Bentley and made him watch.
Claire Huxtable (Phylicia Rashad) -- The Cosby Show
Straight or Gay? Hetero
Compelling Evidence: None really, we just hope -- with five kids -- she wasn't just going through the motions.
Maggie Seaver (Joanna Kerns) -- Growing Pains
Straight or Gay? Puts the "L" in LGBT
Compelling Evidence: Taking the Elyse Keaton Right-Wing Offspring Theory to its logical conclusion, Kirk Cameron's whack-a-loon religious proselytizing would seem to indicate Mrs. Seaver spent most of Mike's childhood singing him k.d. lang songs and repeatedly making him watch Personal Best.
Cindy Walsh (Carol Potter) -- Beverly Hills, 90210
Straight or Gay? Fabulous
Compelling Evidence: Have you seen how she dresses? In Southern California?