November 24, 2010 | 12:00pm
With a closet Muslim in the White House and gay teachers recruiting our innocent children, it's no wonder that American values have crumbled to the point where four out of ten people say marriage is obselete. We can thank Time and the Pew Research Center for this bombshell, which tells us that "by emphatic margins, the public does not see marriage as the only path to family formation," which is an obvious indication that homosexual Al-Qaeda sleeper cells have all but taken over the country.
Fortunately, there are enough decent, God-fearing Americans left to protect the sanctity of marriage. And, as Thanksgiving -- the day commemorating when Americans civilized the savage Indians -- approaches, Hair Balls wants to salute these patriots.
The marriage-minded matchmakers at LoveMe want to introduce honorable American men to the woman they've been searching for their whole lives, whether that woman be Russian, Latin, Chinese, Filipino. Women like ID# 117293 (aka "Natalya") from Ukraine. Standing 5'5" and weighing in at a tolerable 106 lbs., this 22-year-old doesn't want a one-night-stand or a friend-with-benefits. She wants a loving, solid relationship. "I'm looking for a nice, kind, sincere, loyal man who can be romantic a bit," her profile states. "I will do everything to make him lucky and our family life will be full of many romantic moments." But if your intentions are less than honorable, you may as well just void that check you're filling out right now, because, as #117293 says, "I don't like indifference, lies and betrayal."
If you think the idea of cousin-on-cousin love is vile, then you're in for a rude awakening, because, as the moderators on this site tell us: "We are all cousins. No two people are more distantly related than 50th cousins." In fact, they tell us, "it is likely that Joseph and Mary, Christ's earthly parents, were first cousins." And these people aren't just interested in wham-bam-thank-you-cuz flings, but in lifetime partnerships. Unfortunately, stigma and legal sanctions prevent these couples from publicly announcing their love. Instead, they must exchange fleeting glances at weddings, funerals, reunions and bar mitzvahs while they dream of a day when they will be allowed to legally marry and produce disgusting web-toed flipper-babies.
Most people remember this dashing former law student as the gruesome killer of more than 30 young women, but Bundy was also a romantic who was not afraid to marry the woman he loved in front of the entire country. After being convicted in Florida for the murder of a 12-year-old girl, and during the sentencing phase, Bundy's girlfriend Carol Boone took the stand to testify in an attempt to save him from the electric chair. During his questioning of Boone (Bundy assisted in his own defense), Bundy asked if she would marry him. Before anyone knew what was going on, the couple exchanged vows; a few hours later, he was sentenced to death. A more romantic marriage is hard to fathom. From this lovely union, allegedly consummated behind a prison vending machine while some bribed guards looked the other way, came a beautiful baby girl, who we're sure is in absolutely no way fucked in the head.
What exactly is man-boy love, you ask yourself. The folks at NAMBLA have an answer so simple, so eloquent, that you may be surprised you never thought of it before: "It's the love of a man for a boy, and of a boy for a man. Enjoyable, consensual, beautiful." NAMBLA has long opposed age-of-consent laws and has supported same-sex marriage, thus paving the way for the day when a 8-year-old boy and a 48-year-old man don't have to sneak away to the back of the man's white van to explore their love, but can walk down the aisle in a church or Chuck E. Cheese of their choosing.
One man. One horse. One love. "I ended up with a mare of my own who I had for nearly 30 years of loving companionship," writes Stall8. How many couples do you know who can say that?