Lucky Houstonians got a real treat yesterday in the form of a postcard from one Dave Wilson, which offered helpful advice about the coming mayoral run-off. This isn't the anti-gay Wilson's first rodeo, as he sent out another mailer last month, treating us to the alarming image of mayoral candidate Annise Parker getting sworn in as City Controller with longtime partner Kathy Hubbard.
This hard evidence that gays do exist and were in fact living among us no doubt came as a shock to the two or three folks visiting their big city relations from Dogpatch.
The new postcard aims higher (and by "higher" I mean "the heterosexual terror gland"), leading off with the old reliable Edmund Burke quote ("The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing"), setting us up for what is sure to be some serious straight talk.
First, of course, Wilson makes sure to point out he's only condemning the sin of homosexuality, not the individual. This is good news for the individuals he subsequently smears.
The next passage exhorts us to champion the the God-approved union of man and woman rather than "allow the radical homosexual activists (with their out of state money) [to] elect a lesbian for Mayor."
The final passage, of course, reminds everyone (in bold) to vote for Gene Locke.
My favorite part, however, is the flipside. Here, not only are Houstonians reminded to "VOTE FOR TRADITIONAL FAMILY AND MARRIAGE," but the non-Wilson approved candidates are helpfully marked with an asterisk denoting their apparent "homosexual lifestyle."
Wilson's a person about whom could charitably say not all his dogs were barking, so I was prepared to chuck this latest rant in the garbage. One key passage caught my eye, however:
Nothing is as important to the future of Houston and our country as the protection of the Traditional Family.
And then it dawned on me: he's right. Of all the problems facing the future Mayor of Houston, there's none so pressing as making sure Mom and Dad can raise their 3.2 children without the threat of homo aggression. Don't believe me? Read on.
The Traditional Family Reduces Crime
Children that are a product of homes with a Biblically approved mother and father never ever ever break the law. This is because they have Divine as well as mortal retribution to fear for their acts, unlike those godless homosexuals. This theory is easily proven when you take a look at the prison system. Prisons are notorious for instances of gay sex, which straight people are physically incapable of performing.
The Traditional Family Stops Pollution
One might think the addition of more human beings to the planet, one of the fortunate side effects of heterosexual union, would make it more crowded and dirty. Patently untrue, for the more human beings we add, the sooner we'll run out of room and force God to get on with the Rapture. After that, the only people left to worry about rising ocean levels and heavy metals in the soil will be the Unsaved (Jews, Muslims, gays, and Democrats), and they'll have bigger problems to worry about.
The Traditional Family Prevents Flooding
Believe it or not, meteorological phenomena don't discriminate between straight and queen. In the event of training thunderstorms, it seems like the Traditional Family might, in fact, be advantageous. After all, you can never have too many little hands filling sandbags to keep the results of the Lord's ineffable plan from seeping into the family room.
The Traditional Family Improves Traffic
One can only assume a Friend of Dorothy wrote the HCTRA guidelines governing High Occupancy Vehicle Lane access, as there currently exists no proscription against two or more individuals of the same sex riding together. Clearly the only option is to restrict HOV access to cars containing one man and one woman (and however many kids they have) or the hours of 8:00-8:30 p.m. on Wednesdays, which is when all the gays are watching Glee.
The Traditional Family Eliminates Teen Pregnancy
While it is, in fact, impossible for homosexuals to have children without the aid of Democrat adoption agencies and fertility specialists, only TFs know the true spiritual joy of abstinence, which has made it possible for Texas to triumphantly fall to #2 (behind Mississippi) on the list of states with the highest teen pregnancy rate (a mere 50% above the national average).
By the way, as of this writing, Locke has not directly responded to/ repudiated Wilson's mailer.