Why is it that the people who are the most clueless wind up with the best seats to sporting events?
In theory, someone sitting courtside at an NBA game should be intelligent enough to (a) afford tickets that go for about a grand a pop, or (b) live in a neighborhood where they know someone who has such tickets and they are smart enough to get themselves an invite to the game.
So how does that same highly evolved "someone" who is theoretically that smart wind up staring down at his phone with a warm cup of coffee in his hand while one of the true runaway trains in the league -- Lakers forward Ron Artest -- is careening into the front row?
Here's how:
Best parts of this video:
1. Everything.
2. The fan ("Bob") has his head pointed down at the ground in such a way that it almost looks like a WWE-style setup, where "Bob" may as well be some jobroni getting ready to take an old-school Chief Jay Strongbow knee lift to the face from Artest.
3. Who in the blue hell orders coffee at a sporting event? The only times coffee is acceptable at a sporting event are the following: (a) if you're at a PGA event for the opening tee times (typically before 8 a.m.) and hung over, (b) if some sort of alcohol is mixed in with the coffee and you're on the club level at one of those fancy newer arenas, and (c) if there is a guarantee that it will get splattered in the drinker's face. (Swish!)
4. Seriously, isn't coffee supposed to be something that is best consumed scalding hot? So is "Bob" technically a jilted consumer because clearly he got coffee that was about as warm as a cup of piss water, or is he the luckiest man alive because if the coffee at the AT&T Center was at normal coffee temperature he'd have looked like the "melted face Nazi" at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?
5. While this video is firmly in second place on the list of "Artest goes into the crowd" videos slightly ahead of this one (which would be impossible to surpass if Artest somehow managed to take out Jim Gray instead of Dexter Pittman)...
...it would take Ron Artest's walking into the crowd with a machete and literally starting to swing it at fans to surpass the shock and awe that the poor bastard at the 0:45 second mark experiences in this video....
After the visit from Artest, "Malice at the Palace" Guy's underwear probably makes "Bob's" shirt look like a freshly dry-cleaned hand towel.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.