They just don't make saxophone albums like they used to.
Or maybe they do, but nobody buys them.
We're pretty sure, though, that they don't make saxophone-album covers like they used to. Apparently back in the day there were three main ways to sell the public on your latest collection of sax tunes: 1) Symbolically but absolutely unsubtly portray a blow job; 2) Symbolically but absolutely unsubtly portray a vagina; 3) Throw in the towel and just put a nude woman on there.
It gave sax aficionados something to think about while listening, we guess. Plus -- and we never realized this -- "sex" and "sax": They sound alike!
Here are 12 of the best examples:
12. Cooty Selmer's wet dream
No, no, that doesn't look phallic at all. And we're sure most sax players hold the top of the instrument as if they were adding some manual stimulation to the blow job.
11. You want me to WHAT?
This is the face of an innocent late-`50s-early `60s bride on her wedding night, getting up the gumption to actually do her marital duties. That
dick sax isn't going to blow itself, miss.
10. Moe has size issues
Instead of putting her lips around the thick shaft of a sax, this extremely sad-looking naked lady slurps on a straw instead. Don't worry, Moe Koffman: It ain't the meat, it's the motion.
9. Just couldn't resist
They contained themselves, for 10 pictures. They kept the clothes on. But in the end, temptation triumphed. We're sure it's a killer version of "Hey Jude," though.
8. She likes `em big
She likes `em big: Her sax, her men, her boobs.
7. Get this tanzparty started
Nice embouchure, fräulein, but you're breaking Andrew Dice Clay's rules for a good blow job:
And you know they don't know what they're doing, because the minute they start sucking, they look right into your eyes. It's like your looking down at a gopher, you know? It's like, 'Why are you looking at me? Don't look at me. Suck my dick, concentrate!'
6. Who doesn't dream of saxophones?
The look on her face says it all: She's daydreaming about...the world's biggest saxophone. Who are we to question someone's fetishes?
5. I like sexy sax...sexy facial expressions, not so much
Nothing says "C'mere, big boy" like a look that says, "What are you looking at, asshat?"
4. Subtle vagina symbolism, Part 1
Georgia O'Keeffe would be proud. Or appalled. Probably appalled, unless she liked the sax.
3. Subtle vagina symbolism, Part 2
Because, you know, it's a hole, innit?
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2. Muy caliente
Even though she looks like she's actually just playing the sax, it doesn't stop Julio Mori from engaging in a little pocket pool.
1. Dumbing it down
Modern audiences can't be bothered even with half-assed attempts at subtlety. Instead, art designers just toss in a nude and use the sax to point towards her. Modern culture.