If your favorite gun store was out of ammo this morning, it's because Ted Nugent is back in town. The Motor City Madman rumbles into House of Blues tonight, and he's sure to bring the requisite shitload of guitar solos and flaming arrows with him.
And hey, that's great -- at least it was, 40 years ago. "Stranglehold" is great, sure, but "Cat Scratch Fever" was pretty stupid from the get-go, and if he's had a hit since that one, it hasn't cracked the rotation over at 107.5 The Eagle yet.
Then again, who cares? Over the last decade or so, old Ted has become far better known for the outrageous noises coming out of his mouth than for the slightly louder outrageous sounds blasting out of his amplifiers. The transplanted Texan has made his views on Democrats, immigrants, minorities and the 2nd Amendment painfully clear many times over, to the point that his right-wing blowhard act is getting as tired as his music. He's become so predictable that it's getting hard to work up much distaste for his antics, let alone outrage.
And frankly, that's no fun. That's why we here at Rocks Off have done the Nuge a solid and pulled an age-old music biz trick to out of the hat to revive a little interest -- the greatest hits package! In order to work yourself up into the proper hysterical mindset to love/loathe Nugent's show tonight, please peruse five of the most hilariously repellent and curiously hypocritical choices that Ted has made over the years. Why? Well, because that's virtually all of the entertainment we can wring out of the guy these days -- watching and waiting to see when he'll stoop to a new low.
Get your tickets now, folks: tonight could be the night!
5. The Nuge Runs Afoul of Homeland Security At an NRA meeting in St. Louis in 2012, Nugent was doing his usual shtick, advocating guns for all and a Democrat-free government. Surrounded by his closest allies in the fight against non-Nugentness, Ted reached deep into his sack of hyperbole and pulled out an apparently solemn vow that he intended to inspire his fellow heat-packers to get Obama out of office: Via the voting booth, preferably, but by any means necessary.
"If Barack Obama becomes the next president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year," Nugent said, sounding tougher than a two-dollar steak.
It was probably the nicest thing the Nuge said about the president all week. This time, though, the violent connotations of his statement were enough to get the Secret Service interested in just how seriously Ted takes this stuff. The Homeland Security agency took time out of its busy schedule to meet with Nugent and gently remind him that while political criticism is protected speech, threatening the president with violence is highly illegal.
Shockingly, Nugent did not make good on his totally credible promise to take up arms and fight on until death or prison upon Obama's reelection. Then again, as the Secret Service concluded, his words are pretty meaningless.
4. Ted's Inhuman Remarks It's no secret that Ted Nugent enjoys hobnobbing with politicians, or that politicians enjoy hobnobbing with virtually any celebrity who can draw a crowd. That's why Texas candidate for governor Greg Abbott decided having Ted around on the primary season campaign trail would be a barrel full of laughs for all involved. Abbott found out the hard way, however, that Nugent's talent for publicity can be something of a double-edged sword.
In an interview with Guns.com (duh!), Teddy Bear referred to a politician of mixed-race heritage as a "subhuman mongrel." Naturally, that politician was the President. Now, if you're thinking that "subhuman mongrel" sounds like the kind of racist bullshit that the KKK would have to say about Barack, you'd be dead wrong. Even the Klan realizes that people might find that sort of language off-putting in 2014. You'd have to go back at least to the violent, vigilante Klan of the 1960s to the term "subhuman mongrel" used in public.
Now might be a cool time to mention that in 1990, Ted told the Detroit Free Press that South African apartheid "isn't that cut-and-dry. All men are not created equal."
In deference to Abbott's campaign, Nugent eventually apologized for the mongrel remark, which he claimed (straight face and everything!) had nothing to do with the President's race. He did not back off the suggestion, obviously, that perhaps Obama should suck on his machine gun.
3. The Shit Hits the Pants Ted Nugent likes the U.S. military. As is well-known, he likes guns a lot, and judging by his USO tours, he likes soldiers, too (even some of the brownish ones, probably). So it's no surprise that ol' Ted passionately advocates for their usage in violently exterminating all of America's enemies, real and imagined, the world over. He just ain't about to join them, even if he has to piss and shit in his pants for a fucking week to get out of it.
Nah, seriously. In 1977, the Nuge told High Times that he shat his pants on the daily in order to fail his physical and dodge the draft during the Vietnam War. And to hear him tell it, it was pretty ugly:
Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer -- stuff I never touched-- buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I'd drink the syrup. I was this side of death. Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. Poop, piss, the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.
Hey, it wasn't like Ted was the only guy who got creative in order to stay out of Vietnam. We won't judge him too harshly for that. And Reagan knows, he could just be lying about the whole thing! But given the hypocritical light this little incident casts on his super-patriot warhawk persona, his pants may as well be full of shit today.
Story continues on the next page.
2. World's Greatest Dad Weird thing about rock stars in the '70s: for whatever reason, they could have tons of sex with underage fans, and nobody tried to stop them. Jimmy Page did it, Steven Tyler did it, they kind of all did -- even the ones you like, hippie. So Ted was hardly alone in frisking his fair share of jailbait back in the day, but at least he was classy about it.
See, in 1978, Nugent wanted to shack up with a 17-year-old whom we can probably assume knew all the words to "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang." Problem was, he was 30, and she wasn't quite old enough to marry. Now, far be it from Ted to be living in sin with a teenager, so he did the proper thing. With her parents' (unbelievable) consent, he went ahead and became her legal guardian. He adopted her.
Oddly enough, the relationship didn't last -- the sexual one, not the father-daughter one. Well, actually both. Perhaps she gets a Christmas (never Xmas!) card every year. But hey, who cares? If it's cool with a Family Values Conservative like the Nuge's good buddy Greg Abbott, then adopting a schoolgirl in order to do unspeakable rock-star sex shit to her is cool with us, too.
1. Damn Yankees Damn Yankees was a glossy, '80s rock "supergroup" with Ted Nugent, the wuss from Styx and the bassist from Night Ranger in it. They had a minor hit with the obnoxious power ballad "High Enough."
"High Enough" fucking sucks ass. All politics aside, this piece of shit has got to be some kind of human rights violation. If there's anything that can bring right and left together in this country, it's the universal understanding that "High Enough" should be waterboarded, shot and buried at sea. Then we may as well set that sea on fire, 'cause we ain't never going back there.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS