In a perfect world, The Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" would actually be called "My Bumps," and it would be an ode to Stacy Ferguson's rampant misadventures with meth addiction, because that would be the only thing that could make that horrible, horrible song bearable. You might think it's harsh for She Said to bring up what is undoubtedly ancient history in Ferguson's biography (She Said refuses to call her "Fergie"), but nothing could be worse than an already laughably ridiculous song whose lyrics pretend to be empowering to women while reducing their singer to nothing more than an amalgam body parts for sale to the highest bidder. "My Humps" may not have been the worst song of the decade, but it was certainly one of the worst songs that for some reason people actually liked, and spent money on in order to own.
"My Humps," Black Eyed Peas
According to Yahoo! Music, "My Humps" came in third place of the best-selling singles of the decade, a list that She Said is happy to report consists 80 percent of female solo artists. And yet almost all of those women's songs are about either loving or pining for a man. What the fuck, music fans? Is this really where your tastes lie? And as long as we're hatin', this post couldn't possibly be considered complete without a link to mother blog The Village Voice's playoff-style bracket for worst lyrics of the decade. Can you guess who won?. "My Humps" features the elaborate turn of phrase I met a girl down at the disco/She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go, among other offenders. When you have to repeat the same word three times in order to fill a beat, maybe you should try investing in a thesaurus.
Shitty music seemed to be inescapable this decade, filling commercials, the cultural lexicon and even She Said's grocery shopping experience with earwormy bullshit that She would be happy living another decade before hearing again. Some repeat offenders below:
"Hero", Chad Kroeger
In the apropos words of Neil Hamburger, what do you get when you shove pennies up the asses of the members of Creed? Nickelback. Uhg, She Said can't even get through the whole video above without a ramming her fist through her computer screen. But oddly, people LOOOOOVE Nickelback. Rolling Stone called them "critic-proof" while insinuating that it's a good thing Kurt Cobain killed himself rather than hear the band as the future of rock music. Harsh! Yet, hilarious. You know what's also hilarious? Manperms. Are we havin' fun yet?
"Crazy," Gnarls Barkley
I remember when -- I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. It was on about the four millionth hearing of this song. At first She Said kind of liked it -- it came out around the same time as the perfect storm of soul revival that made Back to Black such a hit for Amy Winehouse. But pretty soon the song was everywhere, perversely pervasive, and even small things about Gnarls Barkley began to annoy She Said, like that punny name and their cartoonish mockery of the Violent Femmes. These days She Said is filled with a seething hate for the collaboration and hopes they never release another album again. Crazy? More like crazy-making.
"She Will Be Loved," Maroon 5
She Said just realized this post could be a three-way tie between songs She hated most this decade, worst videos of the decade and worst lyrics. Just look at that nasally bastard Adam Levine up there. Do they play this song on MIX 96? She Said bets they do. Levine here is just the tip of the iceberg in the '00s zeitgeist of pseudo-pop singers moms seem to find really edge and evocative, as evidenced in this video by yet another '00s phenomenon, the idea of the MILF/cougar (enough with that shit already. This decade is about to turn 10 years old. It's time to grow up). Others in Levine's ilk include Jason Mraz and John Mayer
No Doubt Gwen Stefani
She Said doesn't want to hate Gwen Stefani. She really doesn't. She wants to believe Stefani is all about girl power while still displaying just a touch of fragility, for example, in songs like "Bathwater" and "In My Head." But there's just something about her that irks. She seems to be trying way too hard to become a trendmaker, and also she married that douche from Bush. First we had No Doubt to thank for spreading the use of the term hella. worldwide, when previously She Said only had to endure that slang from her California relatives. Then it was her festishization of Japanese culture via her Harajuku Girls-as-silent-accessories-not-people. Way to perpetuate that submissive giggling stereotype, Gwennie!
She Said was living in Asia right after Stefani's debut solo album came out, and even the Koreans were like "WTF is this? Is it really even a song?" All She Said hears is a Casio-keyboard drum loop and some spelling.