Rocks Off is convinced we're going out on Christmas Day to do some of that rock and rolling thing that seems to be so popular with the kids. But where shall we go? The goth in us is leaning towards dropping by Numbers for Underworld's Christmas Party. Then again, there's always the ERASEtheVIRUS Christmas show down at Scout Bar.
Or we could go see Skeleton Dick in 3-D, plus dinosaurs.
Skeleton Dick - currently reigning as Houston's best punk band - is a group of reprobates with whom Rocks Off With One F keeps in pretty good contact. We've been buds with member Chris Vasquez since his stint in Asmodeus X, and we figured if anyone had something going on that didn't involve awful sweaters and fruitcake it would be him.
Sure enough, they'll be onstage at Fitzgerald's with 30foot Fall and Monster Soup - back up after a long hiatus. Looks like it's going to be a pretty decent bit of fun. Then Vasquez confided in us that the show will be in 3D.
"Not Avatar 3D, but Freddy's Dead 3D," said Vasquez. "We will supply glasses. It's going to be a 3D-balls-out-to-the-crowd fun time! We are quite excited about this show."
We have to admit this news made us a little uneasy. It's quite possible that HDTV and the recent glut of 3D movies have made people start forget that life is already as three dimensional and high definition as it can get. Then again, Vasquez has always been nuttier than squirrel doo. Possibly he was just putting us on. Well, too can play at that game.
"3D?" we asked. "Really?"
"We bought a gross of 3D glasses, and we've been waiting to play a show where the possibility of a gross of people was going to be there," Vasquez replied. "Now that we have the show, we have something we can do with the two gross of 3D objects we also purchased. It's an experiment we've been munching on for over a year now.
"And we feel this will be the right time to lab it. We will also be providing prosthetic robot arms and prosthetic dinosaur hats for the "Audience Experience" during "Robot vs. Dinosaur." Those are 3D without the glasses.
"Where in the world get you get prosthetic dinosaur hats?" we asked.
"The dino lids," Vasquez replied patiently, "Are from the lesser-known type of carnivore called Dollahtreeosaurus. They became extinct just before the planet's blackout by starvation. Due to their foam teeth, were unable to tear flesh, and since they refused to eat tofu and low-carb creamed spinach, they starved themselves to death.
"They can vary in color, but for the most part had the same unique form. You'll know when you see one. But we don't have dino arms for them. Those fossils have yet to be found."
There's only so much of this wackalunacy you can listen too without falling down the rabbit hole yourself. This frankly sounded like the kind of Christmas we could really get behind. There was just one nagging doubt, similar to Hlavaty's spiritual dilemma over Christ's role in Wookie Life Day.
What do dinosaurs have to do with Christmas? Is there a Santasaurus? Will Human Santa be mad if we talk to Dino Santa? We love Skeleton Dick, don't get us wrong, but we're not risking pissing off the big guy no matter how many 3D glasses and dino hats are involved.
"Dinosaurs have been in the Christmas scene way before it was called Christmas," Vasquez explained to our rapt attention. "About 65 million years B.C. [Before Christmas], in fact. Back then, "Roooaarrrr" as it was mainly called, was the celebration of the birth of Flight and Navigation. Or leaves. I forget exactly.
"Two ideas that have been questioned since their coming into existence. To make a long story short [Ed. Note: Too Late], cutting out the parts about a spaceship voiced by Paul Reubens and the first three Star Wars movies, the dinosaurs also gave presents on March 23rd. Most of which were delivered via well-navigated flight.
"This was done by FartPituitarydactyles - the Fart is silent, and had to be done in less than 22 hours, counting the flight out and the flight back in. Youngling dinosaurs left portions of swamp and leaves as a return gift in hopes to sweeten the deal for the next year.
"In later times, Adam and Eve - with great foresight - celebrated Christmas by planting dinosaur bones so future scientists would be able to discover that dinosaurs did in fact exist side by side with cavemen. This is well documented in a Bible. Not the Bible that many people cling to, but a Bible that I totally read once in a library.
"Little did they know that their act of scientific terrorism happened to fall on the dinosaur holiday of "Roooaarrrr." Oh, and there's not enough scientific evidence to prove this. The three wise men thing. I'm pretty sure one of them was a velociraptor.
"Anyways," he finished, "I'm pretty sure all of this is explained at the end of Battlestar Galactica."
Our souls saved and shriven, Rocks Off now feels comfortable endorsing the Skeleton Dick show. Happy Roooaarrr, everybody. Just for fun, here's a video full of evidence for Vasquez's theology (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haygXP_B78I)
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.