Well, it took a little time, but we finally got our first arrest of the 2017 NFL offseason, and it was courtesy of a future Hall of Famer who, unfortunately for him, probably doesn't have the playing chops anymore to withstand his cap figure AND a criminal blight on his résumé.
However, before we get to the arrest of New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis last week for a litany of felony charges (and one dangling misdemeanor), let's reintroduce the crowning achievement of my content-generation career — the NFL Offseason Fantasy Crime League (or FCL, for short).
I've played fantasy football for more than two decades in multiple leagues with friends and colleagues. But a few years back, I noticed a thirst for MORE football once the season was over. Since I didn't have millions of dollars to light on fire to start my own football league (what up, Vince McMahon!), I decided to create an endeavor that took advantage of the second most prevalent activity among NFL players behind playing football — getting arrested!
And thus, the FCL was born.
It's pretty easy — get you and seven of your friends together, so eight "owners" total. Each of you picks four NFL teams (Eight times four equals 32! Symmetry!). You accumulate points for each of the offseason arrests by players on your four teams based on a simple scoring system — one point for each count of a misdemeanor, three points for each count of a felony, and ten points for each count of murder. (And yes, 2013 Aaron Hernandez was the FCL equivalent of Barry Bonds's 73-homer season.)
The arrested player must be on the roster of one of your four teams for you to get points, and if a player gets arrested while with different teams during the offseason (really hoping Pacman Jones does this one day), the points flow to the team he was with at the time of the arrest. If a player is a free agent, no points are scored.
The offseason officially begins the second the Super Bowl is over, and ends for each team at 8 a.m. local time on the day they report to training camp.
So with that simple rules explanation in place, on with the 2017 season!
So, apparently, Revis found himself in the following incident early Sunday morning a couple of weekends ago:
According to the release, Pittsburgh police were dispatched to an intersection in the city at 2:43 a.m. EST Sunday to look into a report that two men had been knocked unconscious. The two men later told police they were punched by Revis and another man.
Blaine Jones, Revis' former counsel, said Revis sought medical attention after the incident and "at no time was Darrelle" the aggressor. Jones said Revis was "retreating" from the situation.
"According to the investigation, a 22-year-old male from Kittanning was walking along E. Carson Street when he spotted a male who resembled Aliquippa native (Darrelle) Revis, a cornerback in the NFL," the Pittsburgh Department of Public Safety's statement reads. "He asked if the man was (Darrelle) Revis and he confirmed that he was. The male began recording the interaction on his cellphone and continued following Revis. At some point, Revis snatched the cellphone away and attempted to delete the video.
"Another 21-year-old male from Ross Township attempted to help the 22-year-old retrieve the cellphone. Revis then tossed the phone onto the roadway. A verbal argument followed. A male came to assist Revis. Both the 22-year-old and the 21-year-old state they were punched then remember waking up to talk to police. Witnesses state the two were unconscious for about 10 minutes. The Officers viewed the cellphone video and confirmed that the person was Revis."
For what it's worth, courtesy of TMZ, here is a short snippet of video footage from the aftermath of the kerfuffle:
Now, here comes the arrest scorecard, and for Revis, this is a WHOPPER, an FCL record setter:
Revis, 31, turned himself in to authorities Friday night after he was charged Thursday with four felonies and a misdemeanor stemming from his alleged involvement in a physical altercation in Pittsburgh early Sunday morning. The four felonies include two counts of aggravated assault, one count of robbery and one count of conspiracy: aggravated assault, according to Allegheny County (Pennsylvania) court documents. He also was charged with making terroristic threats.
Before we get to the FCL ramifications of Revis's incident, a couple thoughts:
1. Revis is not messing around when it comes to legal representation. He's hired prominent Pittsburgh attorney Robert Del Greco Jr., who is apparently best known for being the guy who fixes legal problems for anybody with the Pittsburgh Steelers, a list that includes, according to Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk, Jerome Bettis, Le'Veon Bell and Joey Porter.
2. Revis's contract is absurdly overpriced, considering the degree to which his level of play has devolved:
If Revis's goal is to remain a Jet, this won't help.
So now on to the FCL effect of Revis's incident — if I'm not mistaken, this is the most prolific one-man criminal incident in FCL history, surpassing Aaron Hernandez's murder of Odin Lloyd (ten points) and former 49er CB Chris Culliver's seven-point incident back in 2014, when he allegedly ran over a dude on a bike (among other things).
So now, thanks to Revis, the 2017 FCL is essentially a boat race, over before it even really starts, with the Jets getting a monster head start on the rest of the league. I feel sorry for any team that catches the Jets, because by mathematical definition, that means it will have been a miserable, crime-ridden offseason.
FANTASY CRIME LEAGUE SCOREBOARD
(SCORING Misdemeanor, 1 point per count; Felony, 3 points per count; Murder, 10 points per count)
NEW YORK JETS... 13
2/16/17: Jets CB Darrelle Revis is arrested for two counts of aggravated assault (felony), one count of robbery (felony), one count of conspiracy: aggravated assault (felony), and one count of making terroristic threats (misdemeanor)
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