As a radio host, I attend my fair share of charity events. Some of them are lavish and amazing, and some of them are a little more pedestrian and slow. That's OK, they're always held on behalf of some great cause (or else I wouldn't be there). One thing I can say with certainty, across the board, though, about ALL of the fundraising events I've attended — none of them have ever ended in a bench-clearing street fight.
That all sounds great, however, the one problem is that a few of the attendees were a little more focused on first prize than they were the benevolent spirit of the event. So what happens when there is a scoring dispute between two highly competitive suburban dads (mixed in with a little alcohol)?
Well, this happens .....
There's only one way to break this down, so without further ado, let's dust off the Pendergast Zapruder Machine! Here we go...
0:00 — The two to keep your eye on, from the outset, are the dude in the (wildly masculine) pink golf shirt, and the (frivolous attempt at masculinity) black sleeveless tee shirt. By the way, the odds of one of the instigators having no sleeves on his tee shirt was about -1,000. Cash that ticket!
0:02 — Sleeveless gets in the first blow, but Pinky then lunges at him to try to get the upper hand. A loud, female-voiced "HEY!" emanates from the crowd. (Keep this in mind, as said voice will come into play shortly.) The third man into the mix is a pudgy dude in a red, white, and blue golf shirt with what appears to be a trucker mesh ball cap on his head. (Crash your "trucker mesh ball cap -1,500" ticket, as well! GEORGIA!) Hard to tell which side he is on, but soon it won't matter because brawls are breaking out everywhere!
0:06 — Soon there are about a dozen suburban dads in their own version of the Royal Rumble. THERE'S KHAKI EVERYWHERE, BAH GAWD!!! The most entertaining side brawl has a bald, Michael Chiklis looking dude (I find him handsome, for some reason) grabbing blue shirt guy in a head lock from behind, and some dude in a green shirt just waylays poor Blue Shirt Guy, right in the face!
0:08 — Here you'll see a funny, fraction-of-a-second cameo with two dudes, one in a green tee and one in a white tee, kind of dancing and jostling with each other. Neither is throwing a punch, which leads me to believe there was a brief chat between the two of them saying "Hey, let's not punch, but at least kind of make it look like we are fighting, so people don't think we are wussies? OK."
0:09 — Pinky is back in the view of the screen, and he is crawling on his hands and knees away from the fray, but he is quickly drawn back in when ANOTHER mint green tee shirt dude rips Pinky's shirt off like a tearaway set of '80s NBA warmup pants. Now Pinky is shirtless and wants to go! Now I know how the city of Memphis felt back in the day when Jerry Lawler would drop that strap on his singlet! If there were a crowd at this tournament, they'd be POPPING HUGE FOR PINKY!!!
0:15 — Shirtless Pinky is dragged away by no fewer than three other cornholers, while Sleeveless is nowhere to be found, perhaps Pinky might have murdered him off-screen over a $500 prize. We just don't know. But all of the fighting isn't even the best part of this video. The best part comes next when....
0:16 — The FEMALE VOICE OF GOD AND DISCIPLINE BELLOWS OUT:
"STOP IT RIGHT NOW! WE WILL STOP THIS TOURNAMENT! THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!"
0:26 — Then The FVOGAD screams out "GET!.... GET OUT OF HERE!" I can only presume this is directed at Sleeveless and Shirtless Pinky, demanding they vacate the premises, although whoever botched the score and served the two of them alcohol should be, at least, somewhat culpable in all of this, as well.
0:37 — FVOGAD with one more elementary school teacher style reminder to all of the participants — "WE ARE ADULTS, AND THIS IS RIDICULOUS! IT IS A CORNHOLE TOURNAMENT FUNDRAISER!" Hey, no disrespect FVOGAD, but perhaps the Chamber of Commerce should consider changing it to a wrestling card of paunchy suburban dads next year. Perhaps?