Warning: Most of the links in this story lead to porn. There will be many sex puns
Who won the presidential debate Tuesday night between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden? Numbers suggest that would be frustrated masturbators and the fine people who cater to their needs.
Spokespeople from ImLive Media
crunched the viewing numbers and came hard to the conclusion that people who couldn’t handle the battle for democracy sought refuge in sex on Tuesday night. The company hosts cam services and saw a turgid rise in service requests.
“Last night’s debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump proved to be a ‘hot mess, inside a dumpster fire, inside a train wreck.’” says Adrian Stoneman, ImLive's vice president of business. “So much so that many people actually spent their time perusing porn and enjoying some live webcam experiences, taking matters into their own hands and becoming their own master-debators.”
According to Stoneman, Delaware had the largest increase in number of people logging on during debate hours at 433 percent. Presumably, the people of the state Biden represented in the Senate for decades have already made up their minds and decided to pursue more earthly matters. West Virginia spent the most money during sessions (a 1,900 percent increase), while the all-important swing state of Arizona had the greatest increase of traffic (a 718 percent increase). Not to judge, but The Grand Canyon State should probably be spending more time on their hot and sexy Senate race between former astronaut Mark Kelly and Republican incumbent Martha McSally than the beautiful naked people I somehow convinced this news outlet into paying me to look at.
Then again, it’s not like Texas is without vice or sin in this matter. Stoneman provided numbers for our state, and we definitely tuned out to fap away the blues brought in by the rise of American fascism. User logins for The Lone Star State were up 64 percent during the debate, money spent during cam sessions was up 150 percent, and traffic to the site increased 118 percent.
Stoneman's numbers are supported by reports from local sex workers. Houston’s Emily Snow
(sometimes known as Fetish Doll Emily and NOT related to the romance author of the same name), cashed in nicely during the debates.
“I actually got a ton of new subscribers to my OnlyFans
during the debate. It was a great time for a sale,” says Snow. “I think this year’s election is putting an extra layer of stress on people. We’re already dealing with COVID, wildfires, protests and, let’s face it, our candidates this year aren’t very engaging to our age group.
"I remember how excited I was as a first-time voter to vote for Obama because for once it felt like the younger generation had a voice. I think when you aren’t thrilled with either party, it makes it feel like we’re going to lose no matter who’s elected. It makes me sad to see the amount of young people throwing their hands up at the situation, but can we blame them? When a whole generation doesn’t feel engaged, they look for something that does engage them. I think people are spending this debate time to de-stress instead of add stress.”