Architecture

One of the Most Insane Houses in Houston is for Sale

Trust me, it's way weirder in the inside.
Trust me, it's way weirder in the inside.
My wife and I are saving up to buy our first home, so we spend a lot of time perusing the listings in Houston trying to decide what we'd like in a house. Most of the time, the offerings on places like HAR.com are your run of the mill homes designed for people who are definitely from Earth. And then sometimes you get houses like this that make you wonder if there is something in the water that is turning people into Spider-man villains because I'm pretty sure this is Kraven the Hunter's winter home.

Welcome to 11907 Fawnview Drive in Northwest Houston. It's a four bedroom, two-and-a-half bath "one of a kind tropical oasis" on a 9,828 sqft lot with a two-car garage, a pool, and a personality that can only be described as "extra." The asking price is $350,000. Let's go inside.

click to enlarge Water in the home is usually a bad thing in this city. - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
Water in the home is usually a bad thing in this city.
Photo from HAR.com
The design expert I absolutely did not contact would probably describe this look as late-modern lair, though the decorative plates on the Castle Dracula staircase are a nice, homey touch. Please note the koi pond under the stairs compete with full grotto stonework. Most of us have probably been stumped with what to do with under-the-stair spaces before, but I've never met anyone who has ever said "to this land I bequeath ownership to the fish for their use evermore." I have no idea if the fish come with the house, and am afraid to ask.

click to enlarge The entire time I looked at this house I had Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy" playing in my head and now so should you. - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
The entire time I looked at this house I had Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy" playing in my head and now so should you.
Photo from HAR.com
Lots of houses in Texas are covered with dead animals, but it's usually deer and fish and not the fauna of Africa. I also did not expect a "Live Laugh Love" sign. These people strike me more as "call me Allan Quartermain when we're in the bedroom" sort of folks. The tile and wall colors are wonderful and make the sitting room bright, though.


You can't see it in many of the pictures, but many of the upper story walls are covered in murals of more animals. Even if all the furnishings leave, the animals are staying one way or the other.
click to enlarge Moving on... - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
Moving on...
Photo from HAR.com
The house has a brick fireplace and, in what I'm certain is the least surprising information in this article, a perfect bar space for entertaining guests or quieting their fears from being in your home. Why are there mardis gras masks? Is there mardis gras in the jungle?

click to enlarge Nice dining room. - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
Nice dining room.
Photo from HAR.com
The spaces in this house are amazing, with a nice game room/entertainment space and a formal dining area. On the other hand, what the Hell is up with the dining room chairs? They look like Snow White's stepmother had to host the Girl Scout meeting at the last minute and conjured them from pure void. This is not an insult. I would put wheels on those monstrosities and never leave them if I could.

click to enlarge Makes getting clean an adventure! - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
Makes getting clean an adventure!
Photo from HAR.com
I'm skipping a lot of the more standard stuff like the specious island kitchen, laundry room and master bedroom because they're interesting, but not spellbinding. Instead, look at this bathroom. I want to fight this bathroom. I want to take off my shirt and get in the ring for a bare-knuckle grudge match with this bathroom, and when it beats me badly I want it to hold in its giant tub from a freakin' chandelier over it. I literally have friends who did porn in the '70s and none of them ever had been in anything like this room.

click to enlarge This is the compromise room. - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
This is the compromise room.
Photo from HAR.com
You can tell a lot about people's lives sometimes from the division of decor in their house. This room screams, "Fine! You can miss the rains down in Africa in every other room, Toto, but I get a football room!" And so it came to pass that in the middle of the jungle was a shrine to the Houston Texans complete with minibar and branded couch. The listing says the couch is "negotiable," but I promise you it is not. No one is buying the jungle house and leaving this colony lying about.

click to enlarge The great outdoors. - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
The great outdoors.
Photo from HAR.com
Admittedly, this is a really nice outdoor area that would be perfect for entertaining or just hiding from the fact you have a fish pond under your stairs as well as Xerxes' lost washroom. The space has a fill kitchen and television hookups. It's also got a bar space. This house has more bars in it than some entire towns in Texas. On the other hand, there's an outdoor pizza oven!

click to enlarge Why? - PHOTO FROM HAR.COM
Why?
Photo from HAR.com
Okay, remember the time you got drunk as a teenager and threw the lawn furniture into the pool? What if your parents just went with it forever? The owners of this house did, and I can't decide if it's madness or genius. In addition, the house has an incredibly swag hot tub and a waterfall.

I'm not going to lie, this is the coolest house I have seen on the market in Houston. Every inch of it has been tailored made to fit a very specific kind of loud personal taste, and you know that means it's well cared for. You don't paint giraffes on the walls only to let the baseboards get scuffed. Better snap it up today. If I had the down payment I would already be renaming the koi and buying silk dragon-themed pajamas to strut around in. Why would anyone sell this magnificent, batshit cave of wonders?!