What the? Bobby and Christopher own Southfork's mineral rights? Marta has sworn vendetta against Elena? John Ross threatened by Venezuelans? Rebecca's pregnant? Where the hell have I been?
Oh, right...vacation. Thanks to the lovely and talented Abby Koenig for taking the reins (ranch pun) last week. We're ticking away the final few episodes of this season, and the denizens of Big D are each bracing in their own way for the coming chaos. J.R. continues to jockey for control of Southfork, a newly pregnant Rebecca attempts to reconcile with Christopher, while Bobby and Ann deal with the fallout from his attack on Harris Ryland.
As for John Ross, I believe Pvt. Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket said it best, "I *am* in a world of shit."
At the outset, Christopher (Jesse Metcalf) visits Southfork's Tree of Love, apparently to give him the strength to confront John Ross (Josh Henderson), who uses basketball-related psy-ops to get inside Christopher's head. The latter is unimpressed: "Just because I'm fighting fair doesn't mean I won't fight."
Nice sentiment, but taking the high road doesn't always pay off. Just ask Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo), who shows up at the ranch to thank Elena (Jordana Brewster) for the lift to the hospital. She presents her rival for Christopher's affections with a basket from Bed Bath & Beyond, shortly before upchucking in Elena's toilet.
I know the feeling; the smell in that store always makes me nauseous.
Even someone with a master's degree in chemical engineering (or whatever it is) can put two and two together, it seems. Now Elena shares Rebecca's "horrible" secret. But what to do with it? Who should she tell?
Ann (Brenda Strong) ponders the mystery locket ex-husband Harris gave her, which -- given the context clues (she's sitting in a freaking playground) -- belonged to her (presumably deceased) daughter. Presenting that as a gift seems like kind of a mind-fucky thing to do there, Harris, and the guy further cements his asshat status by sending the cops to Southfork to arrest Bobby (Patrick Duffy) for assault. Calling the police: the last refuge of the man who got his ass kicked.
While Ann waxes nostalgic about her locket, John Ross reminisces about the first time he drank bourbon...with cousin Lucy (Charlene Tilton). His clumsy attempts to flatter her are merely to mask his need for her dad, Uncle Gary, to sign off with J.R. and break the trust. And he promises Lucy a "significant" stake in Ewing Oil if she comes through. John Ross may be his father's son, but he wears his emotions on his sleeve. Lucy could eat him alive.
Christopher laments not fighting harder for Elena. To Elena, who spills the beans about Rebecca's pregnancy. He takes the news...poorly, but goes to see Rebecca anyway, when he expresses something less than enthusiasm at the prospect of fatherhood. She throws his adoption in his face, which surprisingly turns out to be a poor tactic to win him back. He then goes to see Bobby and Ann (guess Bobby made bail). They're not much help (Ann continues to be shaken up by the locket). To make matters worse, Bobby tells Ann about beating Harris's ass, which just makes Ann even more upset.
Oh yeah, Harris (Mitch Pileggi) will drop the charges, provided Bobby apologizes. About the only good news Bobby's lawyer has for him is some as yet undisclosed dirt on Bum, J.R.'s PI. Maybe it's why he's the only guy in North America who still uses a pay phone.
