One of my more deplorable habits is that I like to troll Craigslist ads looking for the worst of humanity. I started doing it back when I ran a column that looked for weird band advertisements, but like all junkies I started hitting the hard stuff over in the Men for Women classified. There the finest freaks in Houston put all their psychosis in print for the world to see, and today we're going to look at the ones that made me throw up in my mouth a little.
"I can breath through my ears :)" That's actually the dude's headline, which is weird because I can't think of a single instance this impossible feat would come in handy outside of a Jigsaw trap. The rest of his approach is pretty normal, but think about how you would react if someone just dropped this line on you in the grocery store. There's no way the next sentence isn't "And through the wind I taste a fresh kill."
"'Like my Mother used to say' I admit playfully. 'Thank you for inviting me. I had a nice time.'" This quote comes at the end of a looooong, and very explicit erotic short story that serves as this dude's ad. Basically, he's telling you that while you're home masturbating you can phone him and he'll come finish the job, though in my experience a person that can't figure out commas won't be much use figuring out the mechanics of an orgasm.
More importantly than that... never, EVER mention your mom right after sex. Or their mom. Or anyone's mom. Just don't.
"If we are at the mall and I grab her hair and push her in the dressing room against the wall hike up her skirt and start making out she grinds into me and begs for more." Dude, if I see you grab a girl by the hair and drag her into the dressing room in a Hot Topic I'm calling the guy with the Segway and watching him go Suburban Commando on your ass. I get that you're trying to pull the whole Christian Grey thing, but there's a limit. Also, when you end your ad with the keyword "stepford" you are basically saying that you want a sex robot that also does dishes. Relax, the Japanese are working on it, OK?
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