Brandon Backe’s Top Ten Reasons for Getting in That Wedding Brawl in Galveston

As you are undoubtedly aware of by now, Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe had a bit of an encounter with the Galveston Police Department on Saturday night. The details are a little sketchy about what exactly happened, but it is a fact that Backe got the crap beat out of him.

It is also known that Backe and the Astros have been in contact since this incident, and that the Astros are refusing to discuss the matter. What was not known, until now, was what Backe told the Astros. So, here, for all to see, are the reasons that Brandon Backe gave to the Astros for his involvement in the melee.

10. He thought the cop said ball four, and he thought he’d caught the edge of the plate.

9. That’s the way things go in baseball. When there’s a brawl, the pitchers come charging in from the bullpen and hit people in the back.

8. He thought that damn Tommy John surgery had given him a bionic arm that would allow him to throw all of the cops into the Gulf of Mexico, and he was just trying to be a peacemaker.

7. Since he’s been failing at baseball, he thought he’d give Ultimate Fighting a try.

6. Well, it’s just like with his breaking pitches this season. He thought his fist was going to break away from the cop, instead, he made contact, which caused the cop to slam him out of the park.

5. He thought it was one of Lance Berkman’s lame jokes.

4. It’s Cecil Cooper’s fault. He really should have pulled Backe out of the ruckus and let the bullpen take the pounding instead.

3. Miguel Tejada gave him some shots which were supposed to pump him up. Tejada just forgot to tell him how much it would pump him up.

2. It had been about week since he last got pounded by the opposition, so he thought he was due.

1. Hey, what’s a wedding without a little drunken melee?

John Royal