15. Astros…Hey, We May Not Suck So Bad This Season. Submitted by Laura. I like your optimism; however, I think it is misplaced.
14. We Have Black Guys This Year. Submitted by Dani, who has undoubtedly read Jose de Jesus Ortiz going on about the lack of African-American players last season. 13. Astros 2008: Enjoy It Now. The Farm System Still Sucks. Submitted by John R. (note, that’s not me). It’s nice to see that I’m not the only one down on the Astros farm system.
12. 162 Games. 162 Ways to Blow Saves. Submitted by Jim T. He’s obviously not to thrilled by the newly revamped bullpen.
11. Nine Dollar Beer Without the Lap Dance. Submitted by Vernon Guy. Okay, it’s been a few months since I’ve been to one of Houston’s finer gentlemen’s establishments, but I think that their beer prices are cheaper than what Drayton charges. 10. 2008 Houston Astros: Not Just A Bunch of White Guys This Year. Submitted by aj. Evidently aj also read Ortiz’s crap last year. 9. Forget Milk. Got Pitching? Submitted by ed. I don’t think Roy Oswalt would like this one.
8. 100 Losses or Bust! Submitted by Vicki. Okay, at least she’s got the Astros striving for something, but even I don’t think they’ll be that bad.
7. Please Go Out and at Least Buy The Concessions. Submitted by Byrd. You can’t get more accurate than this submission. Drayton couldn’t care less about how the team performs as long the fans are out there buying the nine dollar beers.
6. I Drink Your Milkshake. Submitted by WLM. Okay, I really like this one, primarily because I really like There Will Be Blood. However, I’ve already documented one problem with this slogan: There are no evil bastards on this team. Also, after Saturday Night Live based a whole skit on this line, I think it’s probably lost a little of its coolness.
5. Astros Baseball: Get Your Ausmus 81 Game Ticket Package. Submitted by Lawrence. Hey, if Drayton could pimp out Craig Biggio’s retirement this season, maybe he should pimp out what could possibly be Ausmus’s last season.
4. Astros 2009. Submitted by formerlyanonymous. I just like the simplicity. 3. Astros 2008: Better Than The Texans. Also submitted by formerlyanonymous. So close, yet still so far. The problem here, I don’t think this is true anymore.
Now for the final two. And I’ve got to confess, I’ve been going back and forth over these all weekend. I’ve really had trouble making up my mind. But this is the final order. 2. Houston Astros: Don’t Worry, It’s Still Mostly White Guys. Submitted by Brian. Once again, someone who read a bit too much Ortiz last season. And I really do like it. But damn, I just like the next one better.
And the winner is…
1. Astros Baseball: Something To Do Before The Hurricane Comes Inland. Submitted by Lawrence.
Lawrence, congratulations on your victory. I doubt the Astros will be putting this on a billboard anytime soon, but I like it. And let’s hope that there’s no hurricane this year; however, if there is a hurricane, well, let’s hope it wipes out MMP so they can replace it with a real baseball stadium. – John Royal