How To Become A Pop Star In Seven Easy Steps

When you become a pop star, you have to worry about things like keeping up with all your many different bank accounts (most of them will only let you store a paltry $100,000 per location), jetting from posh hotel to posh hotel, and the tiresome selection of which two to eight groupies to have sex with after each night's show.

Still, there are also many upsides to being a pop star. Luckily, just in time for the preeminent pop star of 2010's two-night stand in Houston Sunday and Monday, we've boiled how to become one down to a formula for those of you who are interested. You just have to pay attention to these things.

1. Wholesomeness: Idol worship is a lot like actual worship (by which we mean religion), in that if you can get to people before they're old enough to start thinking things out critically and logically, you're much more likely to create a convert for life. Not only do pop idols use religion's tactics, they use religion itself, especially early on in their careers, in order to come across to the one demographic even more important than tweens with allowances: The parents who shell out those allowances.

By paying lip service to God and "traditional American family values," pop idols assure parents that their material is G-rated and therefore A-OK for consumption by their children. Of all the steps to pop stardom, this one is usually the briefest; in fact, as parents care less and less about their kids, it can even be skipped over entirely.