“World heavyweight champion Precious Jewels will be defending his title in a 15-foot-high titanium steel cage,” says announcer/promoter Tex Lonestar. “How can it be titanium and steel?” The Kosher Killer asks him. “I know how to put on wrestling shows,” says Lonestar, shrugging the question. “I never worked at a metal shop.” All alloys aside, the caged match should be fierce.
In addition, the Kosher Killer will definitely take on misfit Mexican manager Dirty Sanchez’s biggest man, Your Worst Nightmare. “You ever heard the story of David and Goliath? Well, after this match you’ll know why they say the bigger they are the harder they fall,” says the Killer. “That Philistine is going down!” Sanchez isn’t worried; he says his man has been fighting bears in the offseason. “When he wrestles the bears, Sanchez puts yarmulkes on the bears,” he says. “Your Worst Nightmare will take you back to Manhattan.” The Killer says he’ll use his signature move to silence Sanchez and his Nightmare. “The Festival of Lights Out is something that I do when the crowd asks me to and when the time is right,” the Killer says. “And let me tell you something, the time is always right.”
The Russian Bear will take on Boomshakalaka: The Motor City Momma, but he sounds like he knows how to get the job done in the ring. “I am going to crush my opponent. Also, step on them, slap them, punch them and other things,” says the Bear. What other things? “I am going to stuff them inside of them like those Russian dolls we have.” The event will include matchups against Bill “The Thrill” Korczynski and 110% Phenomenal, Juan Antonio More and Jack HellHammer, and Tex’s daughter Charlene Harris and Picture Perfect. There’s also a tag-team fight featuring The Stormin’ Mormons and newcomers Hedonist Explosion, featuring Rick Gorgeous and Hunk Michael. “They’re more man than, well, than any of us sitting around here,” Tex says. “After Tex Lonestar has a few Zimas, he cannot stop talking about the Hedonist Explosion,” teases Sanchez. 8 p.m. Fitzgerald’s, 2706 White Oak. For tickets and information, call 713-862-7469 or visit www.doomsdaywrestling.com. $12 to $18.
Sat., May 24, 8 p.m., 2008
