Trying To Get 1,000 Birds Adopted, Especially Since None Of Them Are As Cool As These

By now, you've probably heard about the Houston SPCA's raid that turned out to be one of the biggest animal rescues in history. Over 1,000 animals were removed, including what was described as a horribly emaciated goat. But it seems that there were more birds than anything. We hope that these animals find good homes, and we wonder how difficult it is to place birds. After all, birds don't do much. Not every bird can be as awesome as...well, as these:

Big Bird

Everyone's favorite fowl, this jaundice-feathered freak can't fly, but he can spell, speak, and read at what appears to be a sixth-grade level, which is more than most birds we know. Possessed with an unquenchable, childlike curiosity, Big Bird finds fascination around just about every corner in his multi-ethnic, multi-species, possibly rent-controlled urban neighborhood. However, he sometimes wanders into unsettling territory. Or, in this case, the unsettling territory encroaches on his very own nest.

In what is perhaps the most disturbing minute ever aired on public -- or even network -- television, a gigantic yellow bird is given a lesson in human breast-feeding by a woman who's doing just that in public. "He likes it 'cause it's nice and warm and sweet and natural, and it's good for him," the woman says, rocking back and forth. We will never be the same again.

Toucan Sam

An extremely dignified bird, Sam often ventures outside his natural rainforest habitat to help all kinds of people follow their nose to fruity goodness. We have a feeling Sam's relative pomposity might grate on your nerves after a while, especially after the hundredth time he recounts in his patronizing British accent how George Plimpton once begged him to be a contributing editor for the Paris Review. Still, you would never go hungry for Froot Loops with Sam in your home.

Fred Flintstone's Record Player

Pre-historic times didn't necessarily mean pre-historic technology. The Flintstones firmly established that cro-magnons had plenty of electrical appliances, even if those appliances sometimes required the aid of auxiliary animal parts. And we're in Fred's corner on this one -- mp3's are convenient, but Dark Side of The Moon just doesn't sound the same if it's not being played through a parakeet.

Larry Bird

"What?!" you shout, indignantly. "Larry Bird's not an actual bird!" Well, just look at this clip, and you'll see that if he's not a bird, he's sure not human.


Mr. Owl

Sure, he may be wise, but he's also kind of a dick. We shudder to think of what might've happened if that innocent little boy approached Mr. Owl with a more serious question, like "is Mommy divorcing Daddy because of something I did?" And why did that geriatric turtle send the kid to that smug tree-dwelling bastard in the first place? We smell a conspiracy.

Foghorn Leghorn

Whether he's trying to beat that one dog's ass, making moves on a widow hen, or teaching a chicken hawk to play baseball (and we don't mean in a NAMBLA way) Foghorn Leghorn never disappoints. We'd adopt this over-sized, overbearing rooster in a heartbeat, even if -- no, especially if -- he pissed off the neighbors.


The Trashmen's Surfin' Bird

No one has actually seen what could be the most (in)famous bird of all. But once this bird gets into your ear canal, you're screwed. After 10 seconds of this, you'll be begging to listen to a strange woman tell an even stranger bird about breast-feeding instead.