Our Five Favorite Heavy Metal Christmas Carols

Craig Hlavaty December 9, 2009 11:30AM

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Every year the Christmas gods try to throw us the same old boring and tired holiday music. Mariah Carey, Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley and Hall & Oates are just fine, but this member of Rocks Off needs the blood of the innocent and punishing power chords under his dead, decaying tree. We sought out our five favorite Yuletide metal songs to put in your ear stockings.

You better watch out and you better not cry, because Santa is coming to town to shove some metal up yer ass, kiddies. That sounded a lot better in our head.

Lemmy, Dave Grohl and Billy Gibbons, "Run, Rudolph, Run"

Don't even get us started on how this line-up makes all of our dreams come true. There are no words to describe how awesome this is. We swear, after the new year begins we will retire all Motorhead and Lemmy references. We have that big John Mayer/Slayer show coming up anyway to start man-crushing over as it is.

AC/DC, "Mistress For Christmas"

"Hey Brian Johnson, it's Jesus Christ. I really dig your band. I'm actually drinking on Bon Scott's cloud right now. Chill dude. I was just wondering what screwing chicks on the side of your marriage could possibly have to do with the anniversary of me being born in a manger."

King Diamond, "No Presents For Christmas"

Leave it to the real king of rock and roll to dash your shitty kiddie dreams. There will be no presents, only pestilence and fire. And all the corpse paint that money can buy.

Venom, "Black XMAS"

Venom freaking rules and they had the balls to take Christ out of Christmas. Funny enough, if you were go to one of their houses these days you would probably find a huge tree and the place smelling of cinnamon and kisses.

Alice Cooper, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Try as Alice might, he just can't quite sell the evil. He's semi-evil. He's quasi-evil. The margarine of evil. The Diet Coke of evil if you will. Just one calorie, not evil enough.