The Biggest Musical Lowlights of 2016

WHEELER WALKER JR.
In a year consumed by fake news, it seems appropriate that one of music’s biggest (or most obnoxious, anyway) newsmakers was one Wheeler Walker Jr. The foulmouthed outlaw-country alter ego of comedian Ben Hoffman, Walker released his debut album Redneck Shit in February, purportedly as an R-rated antidote to airbrushed bro-country stars like Florida Georgia Line and Sam Hunt. However noble Walker’s intentions may have been, his execution misfired badly; any point Redneck Shit is trying to make is quickly submerged in an unpleasant barrage of sophomoric boob references and other misogyny, plus a rancid side of homophobia. That the music, recorded under the auspices of Grammy-winning producer Dave Cobb (Sturgill Simpson, Chris Stapleton), ranks among the grittiest country songs to come out of Nashville in recent memory only highlights what a huge missed opportunity this was. After a few shots across the bow from both sides, when the Houston Press finally caught up with Walker shortly before his show at House of Blues in June, he had a little trouble staying in character. Maybe by that point he had stopped believing his own shtick, but in any case Texas’s own Kevin Fowler did the same thing much more effectively (and hilariously) not long afterward with “Sellout Song.” CHRIS GRAY

DURAN DURAN AT THE WOODLANDS
Look, I get it. The guys in Duran Duran are pop gods — or paper gods, or whatever. And you’re offended by blasphemy against your gods, so be it. Yet when your own gods suck real bad, its okay to play the New Wave atheist card. It’s okay, too, because the '80s are way over, and getting mad about stuff like a concert review is super petty. Especially when those gods were obviously uninterested in performing, or dancing, or even cracking a smile. Singer Simon LeBon’s lackluster performance mirrored a man who looked more like he had just clocked into his soul-sucking assembly-line job than a rock star ready to twerk his tush onstage. In fact, there was no twerking or celebrating or joy unless you arrived early enough to watch openers Chic. Even gods have look like they want the role of deity, but the closest the Fab Five got was Dante’s ninth level of concert hell. And for the love of all that is holy, please play "The Reflex." KRISTY LOYE

THE BEYHIVE SWARMS
I like Beyoncé as much as the next music fan. Back in April, Houston's own Queen Bey dropped Lemonade, an album that was chock full of anthemic choruses and thought-provoking feminism. It was fantastic. What wasn't so great, however, was watching her fans swarm social media with threatening messages to a woman they assumed to be "Becky with the good hair," following an innocuous Instagram update. We get it ladies, you like Beyoncé. But she's not your mama, and she doesn't need you to defend her. She can hold her own just fine. MATTHEW KEEVER

YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND NOT KNOWING HOW BOYCOTTS WORK
One way or another, the 2016 election gave way to some pretty great things (protest music) and some terrible ones (literally 54 percent of the country uncertain about what we're about to endure for the next four years). In February, Beyoncé returned with "Formation," which led to a bunch of cops and non-fans across the country telling people that they were going to boycott her concerts. This was probably your aunt, your uncle, or your close-minded "I believe in Tomi Lahren" a-hole Facebook friend who thought Beyoncé advocated for being anti-police. In truth, she's anti-police brutality, which is literally asking for human decency from your neighbors who protect and serve us. Needless to say, said boycott ended up resulting in 2016's highest-grossing tour.

The other "boycott"? Came days after the election. Vice President-elect Mike Pence decided to head to New York to see a production of Hamilton. The crowd booed him mercilessly due to his record regarding LGBT rights (and association to the President-elect). The cast welcomed him and asked that he respect their viewpoints as long as he was in office. Your Facebook friend again got their panties in a bunch over this real non-story and instead said they were boycotting Hamilton. Yes, the most successful play of the year, possibly all-time. Guess what happened the next week a "boycott" was announced? Hamilton raked in more money than any play to ever grace the Broadway stage. Lesson to your friends — a "boycott" is supposed to stop something, not encourage massive economic flocking towards it. Morons. BRANDON CALDWELL

COLDPLAY AT SUPER BOWL 50
Throughout Super Bowl 50, which was the least exciting play? Coldplay, of course. The band was an odd choice for the Big Game’s 50th halftime anniversary party. My grandparents shared 50 years together and knew to hire a rollicking conjunto band instead of a mopey balladeer at their big event. It’s supposed to be a celebration, after all; Chris Martin looked very out of place, but Houston came to the rescue in the form of Beyonce. Lady Gaga will headline Houston’s Super Bowl turn in a few weeks, and will have to clear a high bar in order to outdo the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction we hosted in 2004. Houston owns the Super Bowl in terms of halftime entertainment. Now, if only we could get the local NFL franchise to take an active role in the game. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.

MODEST MOUSE AT FPSF
Yes, I'm still salty. Back in June, Modest Mouse front man Isaac Brock referred to Houston as "essentially a FEMA camp" and decided not to perform "Ocean Breathes Salty" despite playing the first 30 seconds of one of the band's most popular songs. Musical blue balls much? What made their underwhelming performance all the more disappointing was my anticipation for the group, which had been on my concert bucket list for years. And what hurts the more is knowing I'll probably give the band another chance if they ever return to Houston, and I'm worried they'll just dash my hopes again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... MATTHEW KEEVER