You know that old Beatles song "Let It Be," the one that instructs listeners to let it be, let it be, and so on and so forth? These
bands must have never listened to that song. They've also never listened to the old saying "Quit while you're ahead" or even to Frank Sinatra's advice, “The best revenge is massive success.”
No, they just kept on touring and making music like it was, well, 1999 instead, while other bands evolved to stay relevant. And now, because they didn't just let it be, these bands can't admit that those years of being on top — of being worshipped by fans and selling out stadiums — are a thing of the past. It's a sad, sad reality, but the clock stops for no one, even DMX.
Stop groaning and just listen to the facts. We are not saying Weezer as a whole sucks. We really aren't saying Weezer sucks at all, actually. We're just saying their dad 'staches are about the most interesting thing about the current iteration of this band, and that's kind of a bummer.
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At one point Weezer was an interesting band. But that self-effacing sad-sack pop-rock quality, which brought us little bitty gems like "No One Else," has dulled in its shine over the years, and yet Weezer hasn't bowed out. They brought us Lil' Wayne collaborations instead. They should have just quit while they were ahead, but now they should quit while they're mediocre, because the Pinkerton album (from 19-freaking-96) is never going to be topped. To be fair, the Blue Album is a close second, though.
9. MARIAH CAREY
There's something kind of, well...pathetic about a grown-ass woman who still claims a devotion to purity and Hello Kitty, yet Mimi refuses to put down the kitsch and pull up her big-girl panties. She was, is and always will be a massive '90s daisy glued together out of papier-mâché and too much damn glitter. That was okay at the start of these shenanigans, when Ms. Mariah was going back like babies with pacifiers, but now it's just odd.
It's kind of sad if you think about it. Mimi, who once had one of the most ball-busting voices on the planet, is now an odd parody of herself — she's had some really iffy performances lately, but she's not in on the joke. You can stop wearing stilettos in the snow and trying to hit those old notes now, Mimi. It's okay to age. We should just maybe do it with grace and not fur headbands, though.
DMX refuses to call it quits, despite long overstaying his welcome. And DMX, Mr. "My Dog Bites" is now touring places like Scout Bar, which — while hardly something to sneeze at — is not quite the pinnacle of rapper success. He has not aged well. And we don't mean that in a "long in the tooth" kind of way. We mean that music that we all once worked out to or drunk-raged with is so very bad, and yet it keeps being dragged out.
Also, let's be clear here. DMX is this high on the list only because these other guys are more likely to remain in the spotlight. ’Cause if we're weighing it just by how well the music has aged, DMX would top this list for that abomination "What These Bitches Want" all day, every day.
7. STONE TEMPLE PILOTS W/CHESTER BENNINGTON
Actually, you know what? Stone Temple Pilots needs to end, whether they're with Chester Bennington or not. This band has been a hot mess since ol' Scott Weiland, King of the Purple, was at the helm, and it's still not that great now. Yes, they had two or three very good albums very early on in their careers, but what, pray tell, are they doing now?
Oh. They're touring with the guy who growls in Linkin Park playing "Sex Type Thing." There is nothing sex type thing about Bennington, or keeping a band around well past their prime. The gray in your beards is showing, you guys, and it's covered in Linkin Park fuzz. No thanks.
Gene Simmons has the very biggest ego. Does it really need a continual platform? Buy your KISS coffins and KISS-branded face paint and platform shoes all you want. It won't change the fact that this band hasn't really done much of interest since their early days. Ol' Simmons and crew just aren't aging well as a band. Truth.
Does no one else feel like Sublime With Rome is a cover band? Maybe it's just me, then. But while Rome isn't a bad front man per se, he isn't doing anything to elevate the band's music to something cooler or more unique than the original. To be fair, though, it's been decades since any incarnation of Sublime has done something more interesting than the OGs, so...it ain't Rome's fault. It's just science.
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When is the last time you (purposefully) downloaded a U2 album? And no, that whole "holy hell, get this thing off my iPhone" debacle doesn't count. Yeah, you see why they're on here, don't you?
3. SMASHING PUMPKINS
You can protest all you want, but you should start being honest with yourself about life, because this isn't even Smashing Pumpkins anymore. This band should be called Smashing the Memories of Smashing Pumpkins or something, because as important as good ol' Billeh (Billy Corgan, of course) was to this band, there were other also important members. Like, say, D'arcy or Iha? Or...anyone not these guys.
This is a new band, plain and simple. Corgan clearly owns the Pumpkins name, but as long as he keeps using it, the band's music will be weighed against Siamese Dream and therefore fail to impress every time. We're not saying he should resurrect Zwan or anything, by the way. Lord knows the Earth does not need that. But it probably is time for this aging iteration of SP — or any iteration of SP, for that matter — to hang it up to dry.
2. BON JOVI
Uh, do we really need to explain why these guys haven't aged very well? Yes, yes, Jon Bon Jovi is still hawt for an old dude, but their music hasn't gotten any better over the years. And yet they keep on making it — even if it's as bad as Have a Nice Day — year after year, album after album. Ever heard of What About Now? Oh. That was Bon Jovi's album from 2013. How about Burning Bridges? 2015, you guys. And there's a 2016 album in the works, too. How's that for living on a damn prayer?
1. THE ROLLING STONES
The once storied temple of the Rolling Stones has crumbled, and yet they just keep on doin' their thing, hitting stage after stage. Does no one listen to the old "stop while you're ahead" adage anymore? When your eponymous, once-edgy and (sigh) shocking rock band decides it's a good idea to invite Taylor Swift onstage to sing with you, as the Rolling Stones did during their Chicago tour stop in 2013, it's either a sign of dementia or a sign that things are not what they used to be. We'll let you decide on this one.