Sorry, but we refuse to start spamming the Rocks Off Twitter account with gnarly photos of our '80s mullets and half-shirts. No one needs to see that.
So instead, we're going to take things old-school in another way -- spamming your eyeballs with some of the sweetest hair-band videos known to man. You're going to like it, because everyone likes a little Ratt every now and then. Whip out the hairspray and bandannas, folks -- happy Throwback Thursday!
10. Motley Crue, "Kickstart My Heart" No hair-band list would be legit without at least one Motley Crue song. Luckily "Kickstart My Heart" is there with all the skydiving and epic car crashes you'll ever need. Enjoy that hairspray train wreck of a video, because we sure did.
9. Babylon A.D., "Hammer Swings Down" Chicks, fire and permed man-hair. Oh, and we spy with our little eye some leather dude-chaps. Need we say more?
8. Poison, "Unskinny Bop" Man, Poison wore some sweet skinny pants on "Unskinny Bop," while killing off the hair-band scene in so many ways. When you can pull off pants like that with a vest and a skeevy hat, you've found hair-band nirvana. That's exactly what's happening in this video, with some trenchcoat action and guitar shredding to boot.
7. Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Are you ready, baybaaaaaay? We may know a certain writer who sang this song on repeat at karaoke the night before Hurricane Ike, and it was a terrible, terrible idea. Hurricane parties sound like a genius move, until you're so drunk you think "Rock You Like A Hurricane" needs more pelvic thrusts and air guitar.
We think Scorpions had pelvic thrusts covered in the '80s. No need to ever add more, even with 75-mph winds bearing down on you.
6. Warrant, "Cherry Pie" Yes, Warrant had way better songs than "Cherry Pie," but none of them belong on this list because "Cherry Pie" is the fucking epitome of hair-band music.
5. Ratt, "Round and Round" Come on. It's fuckin' Ratt. Love will find a way, just give it time. Damn, we loved this band so much.
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4. Dokken, "It's Not Love" Here's some sweet hair-band music being played from the back of a flatbed trailer in the middle of a city. Man, we wish this would happen on our street. And where can we get one of those sweet blue-jean vests?
3. Cinderella, "Shake Me" Holy hell, is this video awesome. It's got twins as the evil stepsisters, a hot version of Cinderella -- the Disney character, not the band -- and some fucking epic hair. This band knew how to get it all right.
2. Winger, "Seventeen" We can cosign on any hair-band video where the band is predominantly shirtless, but also wearing jackets. That happens in "Seventeen," and even when the guys do choose to wear a top, it's a tiny-tiny version of a shirt. Go ahead on with your bad selves, Winger. Your beautiful man-perms are like angel wings, and you can do no wrong in our eyes, shirtless or otherwise.
1. Skid Row, "18 and Life" Oh, Sebastian Bach. Way to eschew the expected for a hair band with your long, straight locks of epicness. The rest of your band filled in the teased-hair gaps for you, and even if they hadn't, we'd still count "18 and Life" as our No. 1 hair-band video because it's fucking Skid Row and they were everything great about the genre.
Guaranteed, we're jamming out to this video right now, in fact, because Sebastian Bach is nearly always the Kryptonite of our workplace productivity levels.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
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