Know what's infinitely better than songs about jingle bells and Santa and holly? Songs about hating jingle bells and Santa and holly.
Face it: Christmas music sucks. And no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to keep from being inundated by it. It's impossible to avoid department stores, drugstores, grocery stores, or the friggin' gas station for the entire month of December, and all of those places seem hell-bent on assaulting our eardrums with Mariah Carey's Christmas vibrato.
So should you be suffering from the dreaded Christmas music overload, perhaps you should delve into some of these anti-holiday songs instead. Their utter disdain for holly could be the perfect remedy for what ails ya.
10. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis," John Valby Proper anti-Christmas songs are pretty much "go big or go home," and luckily Valby packs just about every holiday-loathing element imaginable into this one. Yes, it's about a wicked venereal disease, but what else could one hope to discover sitting under the tree on Christmas? Seeping diseases are all the rage.
9. "That Was the Worst Christmas Ever," Sufjan Stevens Man, it's impossible not to wallow along in the hatred of the worst holiday ever on this song, which is depressing as hell. Lyrics like "Silent night/ Holy night/ Silent night/ Nothing feels right" perfectly sum up those feelings about the the birth of baby Jesus, who probably doesn't care that you got yourself an XBox One on his birthday.
8. "Christmas Celebration," Weezer While this hateful holiday song is a bit off-putting, what with Rivers Cuomo's faux-British accent and all, its disdain for the commercialized holiday is quite awesome. "Carolers are singing/ Registers ka-chinging/ And the presents are in place but I'd rather eat some mace cuz the eggnog always makes me sick" is the perfect line for some serious Christmas hate. Later in the song, Cuomo even dares to call out the jolly old fat man himself, the perfect antidote to all those department stores with holiday songs on a friggin' loop.
7. "Fuck Christmas," Fear Fear says "Fuck Christmas," and so did Bad Religion when they later covered the tune. The whole premise is totally punk rock, and we are in awe of its holiday side-eye. That is all.
6. "Slashed Wrists This Christmas," Gruff Rhys As you can probably gather from the cheery title, this is the depressing atheist anti-Christmas anthem you've always hoped for, and should be part of your holiday-hatred playlist for all of eternity. Just maybe don't actually slit your wrists in solidarity, a'ight?
5. "A Christmas Carol," Tom Lehrer "A Christmas Carol" may not be as blatantly anti-Christmas as some of the other songs on this list -- we're looking at you, "Fuck Christmas" -- but it still rules. Lyrics like "Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens/ Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens/ Even though the prospect sickens/ Brother, here we go again" offer the perfect medicine to temper those sappy-ass songs blaring from the speakers in every store. We suggest you take it with you wherever you go, lest you be overdose on Christmas songs in the grocery store or something.
Story continues on the next page.
4. "Christmas Sucks," Arrogant Worms There's not much to hate on with "Christmas Sucks," because the Arrogant Worms know how to do this "Christmas is bullshit" thing right -- all the dude wants is some beer and some less shitty presents, man. And maybe not to be faulted for stepping on the Baby Jesus during the Christmas play that one time, too. Sounds like it should be easy to make happen, but alas, Christmas sucks, so it's not.
3. "Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year," Tiny Tim Christmas-basher "Tiny Tim" was actually born Herbert Khaury, and had a few popular songs before releasing this cheerful ode to the jolly fat man getting, well, the AIDS. While this is definitely the type of unabashed anti-holiday song we like, Tiny Tim has said that he actually meant Ayds, a candy bar from the 1970s that was marketed as an appetite suppressant. Either way, the song is super bitter and anti-Santa, which is just what you'll need to counter that sugary Christmas sweetness.
2. "Fairytale of New York," The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl It's no secret that we love the Pogues around these parts, but our love for them grows like the Grinch's too-small heart when we hear them on this upbeat-yet-somehow-very-depressing tune about old Irish-American Broadway stars who are sitting around at Christmas, talking about whether things are going to be okay. Screw jingle bells, throw on "Fairytale of New York" instead and remember that the real meaning of Christmas is hating pretty much everything.
1. "364 Days," Murder City Devils Hey, you know what's awesome? These lyrics: "364 days spent all alone/ Take off your boots, pour a drink/ Try not to cry, try not to think." This tune is depressing, it's drink-drank-drunkish, and best of all, it very obviously loathes Christmas. What more could a holiday hater ask for?
Like what you read? Or think you can do better? We'd love for you to join our team.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
The Ask Willie D Archives Houston's Top 10 Hipster Bars, Clubs & Icehouses 2014 Today's 10 Most Promising Young Metal Bands Hip-Hop's Seven Best Breakup Songs Houston's Top 10 Rooftop Bars and Lounges
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.