There are two kinds of reactions to a long-forgotten song. First, and most optimal, are the obscure bands whose music hits your iPod and brings on the euphoria of resurrected-music magic.
But then there are the ones that play over the loudspeaker in the dusty aisles of your local discount store as you shop for marked-down electronics, and that when you hear them cause immediate claustrophobia.
These are not the bands that give you the happy-happy joy-joy's when you hear them again. These bands cause total discount-electronics-aisle meltdown, and you'd probably forgotten about them until this blog. We're sorry.
Honorable Mention: Tonic Just as a disclaimer, I am adding Tonic to the list under complete duress, which everyone reading this blog should know. It is all unabashed love from my end, but I am adding Tonic at the urging of the rest of the editorial staff, whose musical opinions I halfheartedly respect. However, they're still the sweetest '90s band ever in my book, and can do no wrong. So sorry, Tonic, but to quote another lyrical genius, Mystikal, "It ain't my fault."
10. Theory of a Deadman These dudes are responsible for those musical gems "Hate My Life" and "Bad Girlfriend." The truth is, they sucked. Their music sucked. These lyrics sucked: "You lie about you and you lie about me / You lie about your exes and the STDs / You grew up rich in the Florida Keys / You lie about everything."
There's a good chance you forgot the band existed because of that exhaustive level of suck they emitted. But even if you haven't forgotten that Theory of a Deadman existed, we bet you wish you could.
9. Vertical Horizon Oh, Vertical Horizon. You're not everything we want, despite the yearning of your song titled just that. We don't miss you too terribly much, even though you were kinda popular. Thing is, your music was really kinda sucky, and we don't really mind that you've all moved on to bigger, less sucky pastures.
Besides, we are reminded of you every time we catch a Bruce Almighty rerun while hung over, since they dropped "You're a God" into that film, and that's just about enough for us.
8. Silverchair You know, we kinda liked Silverchair once upon a time on that one decent album they recorded. They were kind of sweet. But then you know what happened? A ton of suck, and we happily forgot that they existed, once upon a high-school time.
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So basically, here's what happened to our love with Silverchair. Frogstomp was awesome, and we dug "Tomorrow" in our own angsty, pseudo-alt-kid way, so we had high hopes for their followup album. Until Freak Show actually dropped, that is. Once that pile of unnecessary suck hit, we were over it and on to bigger, less silver things.
List continues on the next page.
7. Metro Station This forgotten bandmance has literally nothing to do with the fact that Trace Cyrus, Miley's brother, was in Metro Station. In fact, they were so forgettable that we totally even forgot he was in the band until we started resurrecting old Metro Station videos for this blog. But when the most interesting thing about your band is Trace Cyrus, and yet we still forget that whole collaboration even existed, you're screwed.
6. Candlebox This band sucked so much that we're a wee bit sorry about resurrecting them from their musical grave, honestly. Remember when they played shows with other awful bands like Hinder and Godsmack? That only upped their lack of street cred to a whopping nil. We're glad we've basically forgotten them. Our brains are a happy place without the infiltration of Candlebox.
(Side note: We're definitely regretting the fact that we left Hinder off this list now that we're remembering that whole thing. They sucked bad, too.)
5. Chumbawamba Contrary to the popular opinion in this office, I personally feel that Chumbawamba has always sucked in an epic way, and therefore would have placed them much lower. However, the rest of editorial finds them tolerable, and perhaps even a bit "cute when they started out as anarcho-punks," so they're on middle ground here.
Either way, whether they started out horribly or ultimately just went to shit, they're completely forgettable at this point.
4. Panic! At the Disco Man, you really can measure a band's pure amount of suck by the unnecessary punctuation, can't you? They chimed in with "haven't you people ever heard of / closing the goddamn door," a pseudo-goth persona, and way too much Fall Out Boy for our taste, and then quickly exited our memories. But Panic! is still at it, and yet we somehow still forget they exist.
List continues on the next page.
3. Alien Ant Farm Both the dumbest episode of MTV's Cribs and the worst Michael Jackson cover ever were brought to you by Alien Ant Farm all those years ago. Seriously. These guys royally sucked. We'd tell you what else they sang, but we flat-out can't remember. We would Google it, but we don't want anyone to pull up our search history and laugh at us.
2. Sum 41 We may have purposely willed ourselves into forgetfulness about Sum 41, because Deryck Whibley and company were just that awful. That whole All Killer, No Filler album was anything but.
They basically borrowed from every subpar punk-pop band during that time, and yet still managed to get the formula all wrong, bordering on super-sucking. We're sure it didn't help that Whibley married the ever-annoying Avril Lavigne, but still. They were totally recycled, and for that we're thankful because until now, we'd forgotten that they were once a thing.
1. Eve 6 If there are indeed levels of hell, you can almost guarantee that Eve 6 is the theme music to at least one of them, where your tender heart will inevitably be put in a blender while you are forced to listen to this sucky music. Remember that awful song?
We're glad it was just one rendezvous until we were through with you, Eve 6. For real. We liked you buried in obscurity, and will be promptly putting you back there immediately.
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