Politicians

10 Probable Campaign Slogans For Kid Rock [NSFW]

Can this man save Washington?
Can this man save Washington? Photo by Mark C. Austin
I've lived to see a reality-TV star become president and a woman become a doctor, so nothing truly shocks me anymore. Why would anyone be shocked that Kid Rock is considering a Senate run? To accept that Rock is running for higher office you have to accept that Kid Rock is in fact still alive, a fact that I was unaware of until these rumors started.

I mean, few artists have burned as bright and faded away as Kid (is it man yet?) Rock? You know his story, of course you do: he released a pretty solid (I give it a B+ depending on my mood) debut album – Devil Without a Cause – with one truly stellar single (“Bawitdaba”), then he released that Metallica cover, then he released that song that was in the best WWE package of all time, then he released the greatest song of all time, and then he disappeared, presumably retiring to a nice trailer park on whatever island his rap equals Tupac and Biggie live on. I mean, after you mash up Warren Zevon and Lynyrd Skynyrd, what more can you do?

But he's back and he wants to head to Washington, and God bless him for that. If only we were all lucky enough to try and join the machine. Still, if you've found yourself asking, “I know I might one day be able to vote for Kid Rock, but should I one day vote for Kid Rock?” fear not; here's a brief rundown of his beliefs, using in his own words.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JACK GORMAN
Photo by Jack Gorman

Everyone needs a motto, and with "you only live once" already taken, Kid Rock had to get creative.


click to enlarge PHOTO BY JACK GORMAN
Photo by Jack Gorman
If you have a hard stance about keeping your pants under your own control, maybe Kid Rock isn't your candidate.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JIM BRICKER
Photo by Jim Bricker
Not sure what, if anything, this means for auto manufacturing, but just thought you should know.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JIM BRICKER
Photo by Jim Bricker
At least he is familiar with the scourge of drugs.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MARCO TORRES
Photo by Marco Torres
I assume this means he's in favor of campaign finance reform.


click to enlarge PHOTO BY MARCO TORRES
Photo by Marco Torres
Well, he's definitely not running as a socialist.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JACK GORMAN.
Photo by Jack Gorman.
#KidRockLivesMatter

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JACK GORMAN
Photo by Jack Gorman
Ever wonder how many anti-safe space politicians wish they could say this?

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JACK GORMAN
Photo by Jack Gorman
It's good that at least one politician isn't afraid to voice his stance on mythical creatures.

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JIM BRICKER
Photo by Jim Bricker
Let the illuminati theories begin!

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Cory Garcia is a Contributing Editor for the Houston Press. He once won an award for his writing, but he doesn't like to brag about it. If you're reading this sentence, odds are good it's because he wrote a concert review you don't like or he wanted to talk pro wrestling.
Contact: Cory Garcia