Pop Life

10 Christmas Songs That Are Really About Drugs

Halloween is right around the corner, so you know what that means: Time to start making a list and checking it twice. Bourbon, gin, scotch, vodka, Xanax, painkillers...

Walgreen's and CVS have already stocked their shelves with wrapping paper, plastic wreaths and Christmas candles, and this year's crop of holiday albums like Scott Weiland's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is slowly filtering into circulation. Study after study has shown that stress and depression skyrocket during the most wonderful time of the year, and you can fill up an iPod with seasonal music detailing how people choose to "treat" these ailments in no time.

Rocks Off is always looking to do our part for peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (and women), so we made a playlist guaranteed to turn your "White Christmas" into such a delightful winter wonderland you may not even remember the holidays happened at all. If you need us, we'll be watching Bad Santa on a continuous loop from now until Jan. 2.

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer": Ever wonder how Rudolph got the sudden self-confidence to go from runt of the reindeer litter to leader of the pack? Ask...

"Frosty the Snowman": One of the 20th century's most beloved holiday characters is also a stone-cold street hustler who will go thumpity-thump-thump upside your head if you don't give him his money. Frosty also don't give a fuck about the police: "He led them down the streets of town right to a traffic cop/ And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler 'Stop!'" Exactly what was in that corncob pipe?

"Baby It's Cold Outside": This seemingly light-hearted seasonal duet, recorded by everyone from Dean Martin & Doris Day to Willie Nelson & Norah Jones, has a sinister subtext, mainly due to the man's refusal to let the woman leave and then her line, "Say, what's in this drink?" Perhaps Cracked magazine put it best: "Because really, if the weather won't keep her in the house, date rape drugs are the next best step."

"Pretty Paper": Written by Willie Nelson, so you know what kind of "presents" he's wrapping.

Cheech & Chong, "Santa & His Old Lady": Mrs. Claus makes "the best brownies in town." Or course she does.

"We Three Kings": Frankincense and myrrh are both resins extracted from different trees, and have been used for centuries in religious rituals, as digestive aids, and pain relief for ailments such as arthritis. Sound like another kind of "incense" you may have heard of?

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Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray