4. “CHEATERS/TRUST ISSUES”
Your musician (much to his pleasure, not yours) is now a sexual target, a conquest to be had by women far and wide you don’t even know. Yet one thing these women all share is a common hatred of you. If you’re the jealous type who demands monogamy or even loyalty, get out now. We’re not saying that your man is incapable of maintaining dignity in a relationship while also being a musician; we are saying no human is capable of withstanding that amount of temptation. Not even you; see No. 2 below.

3. “YOU ALWAYS COME SECOND"
To everything. To the song, to the performance, the record deal, etc. Nothing else matters to your musician but the music, including you. Don’t believe us? Ask him. What’s the most important thing in your life? If he doesn’t say music, he’s either a shitty musician or a clever liar.

2. "TOURING ABSENCE”
This is undoubtedly the hardest part of the relationship. Not only will you miss your musician desperately, but the lack of communication will wear on your last nerve. Your mind will wander to scenarios that create drama and mistrust where none existed before. You will convince yourself there’s more to the story. His bandmates aren’t telling you everything because they like you, they have his back and that one night in Amsterdam when he didn’t call you back — that one with the picture of the band on Instagram and that unidentified female — will haunt you like no restless soul in hell ever could. And when you think you’re ready to crack and buy that surprise plane ticket to Europe, you’ll find yourself running into an old flame at the grocery store who would love to stop by for coffee sometime with full-frontal hugs and butt grabs. Besides, you’ll tell yourself, it’s just coffee.

1. “DRUGS AND ALCOHOL"
Ahhhhh, when the party is over (sometime around your early thirties), and your girlfriends all have spouses with 401Ks and new suburban homes, you’ll start to look for the leak in your savings account. Since you’ll be carrying the health insurance and all the bills, be sure to get a PPO that covers not only the intervention but the inpatient stay with followup psychological care and outpatient care for any relapses. And when they finally come clean, join a church band and file for divorce in your common-law marriage, you’ll not only wish you had read this list but avoided homeless men with a talent for songwriting and a mean tambourine hand. Trust us, do yourself a favor and date a writer instead.