Current Events

10 Rock Stars the GOP Should Nominate for President

As the 2012 presidential race begins to heat up in earnest, Rocks Off can't help but feel that the front-runners for the Republican nomination are lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. Call it star power. Call it sex appeal. Whatever it is, these guys ain't got it. If the GOP is serious about wresting the White House away from Barack, the party's going to need someone who can go toe-to-toe with his cult of personality. And who's got more personality than a rock star? David Lee Roth has more charisma in his hairpiece than Obama's got in his entire body!

Because we enjoy a tight presidential race, we're publically submitting the following list of rock stars best suited for the Republican nomination. For tax purposes, we're considering it a political donation.

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Gene Simmons

There's one big issue that could give the Republicans the edge in the presidential election, and guess what -- it's the economy, stupid! No rock star in history has made more tough compromises for the sake of money than the Demon, making him the ideal choice to run on a platform of fiscal reform. To be sure, Simmons is a slimy, repellant dirtbag with whom you'd never dare leave your daughter OR mother alone in the same room. Luckily, those qualities have never stopped a single politician in history from achieving high office.

Jay-Z

Few Americans exemplify Republican bootstrap ideals better than Jay-Z. The hip-hop icon grew up in Brooklyn's notorious Marcy Projects, but parlayed his talent and hard work into incredible success both in business and as a family man. Democrats may like to think that Obama has the African-American vote all sewn up, but if the GOP gave the nod to Hova, New York could flip from blue to red overnight. The prospect of Vice-President Kanye West alone is almost delicious enough to convince us to register to vote.

Billy Gibbons

The man Jimi Hendrix called his favorite guitar player might not seem like the ideal Republican candidate at first blush. But with a party so enamored with conservative Christianity that it once considered nominating a doof like Mike Huckabee, we can see an old white guy called "The Reverend" doing quite well. Besides, Billy and ZZ earned their GOP bonafides playing George W. Bush's 2001 inauguration bash. Obviously, it'd be a major coup for the city getting a Houstonian into the White House (Hellooooo, manned Mars mission!). Honestly, though, we'd be more excited to see the Eliminator outfitted with bullet-proof glass.

Miranda Lambert

If you thought Republican voters went nuts for Sarah Palin, just wait 'til they get a load of Miranda Lambert. The Nashville Star already has plenty of experience stumping for votes on television, and her avowed membership in the NRA is sure to endear her to conservatives who cherish the right to administer the death penalty personally. Unlike some recent female GOP candidates, Lambert is less prone to sticking her foot in her mouth, and she's a damn sight prettier, too. Michelle Bachmann isn't even blonde!

Ted Nugent

The Republican base needs an outsized hero to rally around, and who better than the Nuge? He's an outspoken Obama critic, a certified gun nut, and a public proponent of military intervention. In addition, he totally fuckin' jams. The Motor City Madman has had a few chances to run for office in the past, but turned them all down. If he ever changes his mind, though, he'd have the presidential nomination in a stranglehold before Ron Paul figured out the trigger safety on a Glock 9 mm.

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Nathan Smith
Contact: Nathan Smith