As the 2012 presidential race begins to heat up in earnest, Rocks Off can't help but feel that the front-runners for the Republican nomination are lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. Call it star power. Call it sex appeal. Whatever it is, these guys ain't got it. If the GOP is serious about wresting the White House away from Barack, the party's going to need someone who can go toe-to-toe with his cult of personality. And who's got more personality than a rock star? David Lee Roth has more charisma in his hairpiece than Obama's got in his entire body!
Because we enjoy a tight presidential race, we're publically submitting the following list of rock stars best suited for the Republican nomination. For tax purposes, we're considering it a political donation.
There's one big issue that could give the Republicans the edge in the presidential election, and guess what -- it's the economy, stupid! No rock star in history has made more tough compromises for the sake of money than the Demon, making him the ideal choice to run on a platform of fiscal reform. To be sure, Simmons is a slimy, repellant dirtbag with whom you'd never dare leave your daughter OR mother alone in the same room. Luckily, those qualities have never stopped a single politician in history from achieving high office.
Few Americans exemplify Republican bootstrap ideals better than Jay-Z. The hip-hop icon grew up in Brooklyn's notorious Marcy Projects, but parlayed his talent and hard work into incredible success both in business and as a family man. Democrats may like to think that Obama has the African-American vote all sewn up, but if the GOP gave the nod to Hova, New York could flip from blue to red overnight. The prospect of Vice-President Kanye West alone is almost delicious enough to convince us to register to vote.
The man Jimi Hendrix called his favorite guitar player might not seem like the ideal Republican candidate at first blush. But with a party so enamored with conservative Christianity that it once considered nominating a doof like Mike Huckabee, we can see an old white guy called "The Reverend" doing quite well. Besides, Billy and ZZ earned their GOP bonafides playing George W. Bush's 2001 inauguration bash. Obviously, it'd be a major coup for the city getting a Houstonian into the White House (Hellooooo, manned Mars mission!). Honestly, though, we'd be more excited to see the Eliminator outfitted with bullet-proof glass.
If you thought Republican voters went nuts for Sarah Palin, just wait 'til they get a load of Miranda Lambert. The Nashville Star already has plenty of experience stumping for votes on television, and her avowed membership in the NRA is sure to endear her to conservatives who cherish the right to administer the death penalty personally. Unlike some recent female GOP candidates, Lambert is less prone to sticking her foot in her mouth, and she's a damn sight prettier, too. Michelle Bachmann isn't even blonde!
The Republican base needs an outsized hero to rally around, and who better than the Nuge? He's an outspoken Obama critic, a certified gun nut, and a public proponent of military intervention. In addition, he totally fuckin' jams. The Motor City Madman has had a few chances to run for office in the past, but turned them all down. If he ever changes his mind, though, he'd have the presidential nomination in a stranglehold before Ron Paul figured out the trigger safety on a Glock 9 mm.
It seems a tad to surreal to think that the king of shock-rock is a rock-ribbed Republican, but Alice is a born-again Christian with a python-wide conservative streak. He's not always shy about it, either. Back in 2004, Alice called fellow rockers Bruce Springsteen, Sheryl Crow and others "treasonous morons" for campaigning on behalf of John Kerry. We can already imagine hardliner Alice welcoming America's enemies to his nightmare. A grotesque vision, perhaps, but which is really more humane--protracted waterboarding or a quick, painless guillotining?
Jon Bon Jovi
Jon Bon Jovi has everything voters want in a Republican candidate. He's seasoned but still good-looking, he's stayed successful over a long period and he's never forgotten his all-American working-class roots. Jon Boy delivers a built-in base of hardcore supporters (mostly female), and he even went country on the Bon Jovi album Lost Highway. Hell, he looks more natural in a cowboy than W. ever did. Jon Bon Jovi is exactly the sort of mass-appeal celebrity that could win and win big as a Republican in a national election. We guess the only issue is that he's a die-hard Democrat who toured extensively in support of John Kerry in 2004.
If the Republicans are serious about building a new big-tent party, Mitt Romney may not prove quite up to the task. Instead, they should choose to think outside the box. Willie Nelson is an American icon whose broad appeal stretches across all classes and generations. He brings both down-home Western charm and superstar media moxie to the table. Sure, he's had a few drug-related brushes with the law, but we haven't had a president who's never taken a toke since 1988. Besides, what politician could be more anti-tax than the musician who once owed the IRS $16.7 million?
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At first, His Royal Purpleness seems like an insane choice to trot out in front of conservative voters. After all, this is the man who commercialized sex with songs like "Darling Nikki" and bared his butt cheeks on MTV. However, Prince's Jehovah's Witness beliefs have led him toward a socially conservative lifestyle in middle age, and he's outdone Ayn Rand in his advocacy for personal creative freedom. Prince would undoubtedly add some much needed funk to the GOP ticket, and he'd probably even sway a few African-American voters away from Obama. As a JW, though, Prince is forbidden to run for public office. Guess he'll have to remain content as a monarch-in-waiting, instead.
Justin Bieber has everything a candidate needs to succeed: a winning smile, a famous name and loads of money. The "Baby" singer's pro-life stance and belief that homosexuality is a choice are sure to impress social conservatives, and his traditional Christian upbringing is nearly as celebrated as Tim Tebow's. Now, we'll admit that Justin Bieber is kind of a longshot as a Republican nominee. Not only is he way younger than the requisite 35 years, he's also Canadian. But let's be real, here: Nobody's going to ask to see a white candidate's birth certificate.