All around the world
Pretty girls, wipe the floor with all the boys
Jump the line into the front
Do what we like, get what we want.
Dear God, make it stop.
If you're not living under a rock (or some other godforsaken place without Internet), chances are you've heard those lyrics and the rest of the musical abomination that is "Pretty Girls," the recent musical collaboration between Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea. And chances are if you're not a 12-year-old girl, you hate it.
Good for you, because it's seriously awful. But as bad as the lyrics are, the video, which dropped like an Autotuned bomb last week, is much, much worse. If you haven't managed to find the time to sit through this mess, here's the gist: Britney and Iggy decided on a campy homage to the Brat Pack '80s for the video, in which Iggy plays an alien who crash-lands into Britney's pool while sporting a beehive. And, because the theme here is pretty girls, y'all, Britney then inexplicably gives Alien Iggy a makeover and parades her around because...she's pretty...while they get money thrown at them by ATMs and men alike. Oh, and all the while, Britney continually jumps around like a moron.
If what we're saying doesn't make sense, it's because really, none of it makes any sense at all. It would almost be funny, were there an ounce of irony in this mess, but there's not. Instead, it's utterly and completely nonsensical. We'd add gifs, but you probably like your brain in its current non-mush form.
But as nonsensical and seemingly harmless as the video antics are, when you combine Britney's incessant nail-filing and preening with the shallow-end-of-the-pool lyrics, it somehow takes the vapidness and nonsensicalness of it all and uses Iggy's alien powers — she really has those in this video — and pushes it to kinda-offensive territory. Seriously. The only thing decent about the video is the advertisement for Pitch Perfect 2 that precedes it. (Man, Rebel Wilson is a genius. Somebody should have consulted her on this.)
You can thank Iggy-Igz for your permanent state of confusion in the post-video days, because she directed it. And while you're at it, you can also thank her for setting womankind back a few zillion years, too, because this video is not the one. Here are 10 screenshots from the "Pretty Girls" mess that set feminism back 100 years. But prepare yourselves, folks: the onslaught of teen girls repeatedly blaring this song is a-comin'.
10. The time Britney played into the dumb-blonde stereotype.
Oh, wait. That's the entire video. Sorry. We will spare you from providing a screenshot for all 4 minutes and 31 freaking seconds, though. This one should sum it up nicely.
9. That time the pretty-girl duo wouldn't put down the blow dryer to drive.
This is dumb. Not only does using the blowdryer with the top down (and also with dry hair?!) reiterate the vapid pretty-girl stereotype, it's also totally scientifically wrong. Everyone knows you don't blow-dry crimped hair. That's a recipe for poodle-hair disaster.
8. Or the mirror.
Again. Again with the mirror and the car preening and the mirror. Who's holding the blowdryer? Or the steering wheel? And why is any of this happening, other than to be utterly obnoxious?
Side note: Dear young, impressionable youth. Please don't do any of this. It will end up badly, not prettily. Money will not appear out of thin air, nor will bees to your honey. But you might be able to skip the line to the hospital, so there's always that.
7. That time when being Valley-girl dumb was so cool, it caused Britney to clap.
Again. And again. And again.
6. That shit.
Apparently if you're pretty enough, and if you work that "thick cake" — Iggy's words, not ours — you don't actually need to do anything and dolla dolla bills will just appear out of literal thin air to take care of you.
5. And this shit.
When the money appears out of thin air as apparent payment for being pretty, you do what any good pretty girl would do and dance in it. The air is making it rain, because pretty. Makes sense.
4. When Iggy causes this dude to get waaaaay too excited about his hose.
Simply by existing, you guys. Simply by existing.
3. There was the moment when aliens were beaming up Iggy and Britney.
And because Britney's blonde, and pretty, she clapped and jumped because OMG SHE'S SO EXCITED AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, YOU GUYSSSS! The space cadet gets to beam up into actual space!
2. When Brit Brit dances in a circle while the "bees to her honey" point to her entire ass.
Yep. That's it. It's literally a man-dance circle and a pretty girl's ass, which is almost too much for these shirtless boys (and their wallets) to handle.
1. And the one time Iggy's eyes became the actual devil.
Just like pretty women.