Last week, pop goddess Katy Perry unveiled her brand-new perfume, Killer Queen -- a fruity, intoxicating scent named after some old Beatles song or something. The fragrance's official Web site claims it features top notes of dark plum, wild berries and bergamot with subtle hints of cashmeron, natural patchouli heart and liquid praline.
Liquid praline? Yes, correct: liquid fucking praline. If you've been dying to smell like the checkout counter of a small-town Mexican restaurant, go out and buy yourself a bottle of Killer Queen right away. And hey, there's no need to stop there! This is Katy's third official fragrance. Not too sure what the others smell like, but if I had to guess? Latex, baby powder and hairspray. And flowers! Sort of like a bouquet of roses arranged on the sink of the men's bathroom at Numbers.
Picking on Katy Perry and her burgeoning perfume empire sure is fun (and easy!), but she's hardly a trendsetter in the industry. A quick perusal of the fragrance aisle at Walgreen's turns up dozens of musician-inspired scents. And hey, that's awesome -- who wouldn't want to dab a bit of Christina Aguilera or Justin Bieber behind their ears? The only troubling thing is that there's a dearth of fragrances inspired by the icons of Texas music. That needs to change.
To be sure, Beyonce and Jessica Simpson are representing pretty hard with multiple offerings each. But that's barely scratching the surface. Given our intimate and comprehensive familiarity with our state's homegrown superstars, we here at Rocks Off are in a unique position to offer a few suggestions to the perfume companies' scent-mongers. So here they are: the ten Texas stars we'd most enjoy smelling like.
10. WILLIE NELSON'S ORGANIC STARDUST Top Notes: Yellow roses, sweaty bandana, biodiesel Subtle Notes: Green chile, campfire, Cannabis Indica
Can your personal style can be summed up as "pleasantly stoned farmer?" Then, boy, have we got a fragrance for you! Willie Nelson is a Texas treasure held in only slightly lesser regard than the Alamo, and as long as we keep the ingredients locally sourced and organic, it's not hard to imagine the Red-Headed Stranger signing on to promote this hard-bitten, soft-hearted scent. Especially if it can also fuel a tour bus.
9. KELLY CLARKSON'S IDOLATRY Top Notes: Bluebonnets, pleather, Vaseline Subtle Notes: Heartbreak, independence, Simon Cowell
Hey, not everybody can look like Katy Perry. Can you imagine if everyone did? Jesus, no work would ever get done! We'd all be too busy trying on skintight clothes, dating fellow celebrities and singing sort of okay, mostly. That's why it's nice to have Kelly Clarkson around to remind us that you can be a supremely talented and beloved pop idol even if you're cute but a little thicker than you'd prefer in the upper-arm region.
Because Kelly's always been a woman of the people, we suggest putting the final scent up for a vote. Text "VOTE" to 6842 to cast your vote for honeyed sandalwood, or text "VOTE" to 8468 if you want to see tulips and ocean breeze make the next round!
8. TED NUGENT'S SPIRIT OF THE KILL Top Notes: Gun smoke, motor oil, bald eagle tears Subtle Notes: Barbecue sauce, shat drawers
Tea Party Ted may have spent most of his life as the Motor City Madman, but these days there's no place he'd rather reside than the Lone Star State. It's possible that no one else would have him, sure, but how many of us could say the same?
Any scent bearing the Nuge's name would have to be strong, wild and free from outside contaminants. To get that active, outdoorsy smell just right, we recommend a dash of human feces in tribute to Ted's pants-shitting success in avoiding the Vietnam draft back in the day. It'll be the perfect gift for the pissed-off, middle-aged white guy on your Christmas (never X-mas!!) list.
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7. MIRANDA LAMBERT'S BAD ANGEL Top Notes: Dead flowers, horse tack, calico Subtle Notes: Snakeskin, Blake Shelton
It's a bit of a mystery why Miranda Lambert doesn't have her own fragrance already. She's certainly blonde enough, and she already looks and sounds as if she smells like fresh-cut straw and saddle oil. If your gal's the girl-next-door type who isn't totally convinced that whiskey and a concealed-carry license don't mix, this perfume could make an ideal gift. Because you do not want to forget your anniversary.
6. DEVIN THE DUDE'S FRESH COUGHEE Top Notes: Blunt wraps, blunt smoke, blunts Subtle Notes: Overheated car engine, Kangol suede, blunts
Any fragrance associated with H-Town rap savant Devin the Dude would need to be low-key, mellow and almost imperceptibly fresh. Luckily, the Dude typically manages to provide his own potent aroma wherever he goes. Shouldn't be too hard to replicate in the laboratory, right? Let's start the marketing in Colorado and Washington first.
5. JACI VELASQUEZ'S FLOR DE AMOR Top Notes: Indian paintbrush, cilantro, myrrh Subtle Notes: Soft denim, dogwood, the cleansing forgiveness of Jesus Christ
Because so few churches serve alcohol, Native Houstonian Jaci Velasquez and her Contemporary Christian, er, contemporaries aren't always on our radar here at Rocks Off. That doesn't mean she's not a bankable star, of course.
Velasquez has sold nearly five million records on her way to seven Dove Awards, which are kind of like the Grammies except even more boring. She's the perfect face for a new fragrance that appeals to girls who are absolutely not going out dressed like that, young lady.
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4. AL JOURGENSEN'S FILTH PIG Top Notes: Burning circuit boards, desiccated leather Subtle Notes: Chrome, unwashed dreadlocks
Will there still be celebrity fragrances available in the post-apocalyptic West Texas of the near future? If so, this one's bound to be a hot seller. Chemical industrialist and Texan-by-choice Al Jourgensen's music and appearance already conjure a cornucopia of smells without the help of professional scentologists, so capturing his essence inside of an atomizer should be a snap, assuming they keep plenty of battery acid on hand.
3. ASHLEE SIMPSON'S PIECES OF ME Top Notes: Flash bulbs, purple jasmine, acetone Subtle Notes: Peony, benzodiazepine, Jessica Simpson
This one's kind of cheating, since Ashlee Simpson was never a real musician and barely counts as a Texan. But it's just too easy. All we have to do is head on down to Harwin Drive, find some bootleg Jessica Simpson fragrance, cut its nose off and call it Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson. Done! A perfume in perfect sync with your no-talent, fame-obsessed lifestyle.
2. BILLY F. GIBBONS' PEARL NECKLACE Top Notes: Mezcal, ethanol, tush Subtle Notes: Beard. Duh.
Stop acting as if you don't want to smell exactly like Houston's primero guitar god -- it's pathetic. The Reverend ain't real shy about slapping his name on a product he believes in, so it shouldn't be too hard to make this happen. Naturally, the bottle would need to be shaped like the Eliminator somehow. After all, these fragrances aren't just toiletries; they're memorabilia.
1. ERYKAH BADU'S ORANGE MOON Top Notes: Egyptian cotton, molasses, honey Subtle Notes: Africa
If I were a woman, I'd want to be Erykah Badu. Straight up. She's a musical genre unto herself, she looks like she comes from a doper planet than mine and she just generally seems as if she does whatever she wants at all times. Erykah Badu is basically just better than me at life, and Lord knows you ain't smellin' so hot, yourself.
You can't pull off a headwrap; get that out of your mind right now. But if we can get Erykah to help create a signature scent, at least you might be able to smell like a caramel-colored Na'vi with more soul than the Breakfast Klub.
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