10 Ways Amanda Bynes Is Already a Rap Star

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So apparently there's been a legit hip-hop record deal offered to Amanda Bynes. By all accounts it isn't a joke, which is utterly mind-blowing. The guy responsible for this offer, Daniel Herman of Chinga Chang Records, has spoken out, claiming to have cleared the way with both Sony Entertainment and The Orchard to feed into this fuckery.

I am probably alone in my admiration of Ms. Bynes, but I totally thought she was cute on All That back in the day. However, I'm confused as to why any legitimate outlet would offer her a rap contract. She's had a rough time the past few months, with scandal after media scandal hanging above her head, and even if she's punking the shit out of us, it's gotten to the point of well past weird. I can't wrap my mind about any record offer being anything other than a publicity stunt.

However, given that this guy swears on his cat, dog and mother that he's serious business, I have to take him at his word and try to find a light at the end of this strange Amanda Bynes rapping tunnel.

If this record ever sees the light of day, I'd put my money on it being a sign of the musical apocalypse, so you might want to start insuring your MP3s now. Y'know, for when that album drops and the charts explode into a million pieces because they've given up on life.

Whatever the case may be, it appears from her recent behavior that Ms. Bynes is, at the very least, trying hella hard to channel her inner rapper. And I, of course, have put those ways into a listicle to ease your mind about the idea of her rapping. It's just flat-out unnerving to picture.

Anyhow, here's my list of the Ten Ways Amanda Bynes Is Already a Rap Star. Read it. It'll make you feel better when the only albums that haven't spontaneously combusted in protest were recorded by fools like Paris Hilton.

10. She's already mastered the art of the Twitter rant. Following in the ways of her rapper forefathers, Ms. Bynes has already figured out the correct way to bust out a Twitter rant with the quickness. She's taken a page from the the likes of Azalea Banks and rant-godfather Kanye West who have also used Twitter as a sounding board for their inane bitch-fests.

9. With the sheer amount of insults slung at other celebrities, her Twitter is a virtual diss track itself. I mean, how many times can little ol' Amanda call someone ugly while reminding them of her infinitely superior looks? She's called damn near every tabloid employee ugly, she's told model Chrissy Teagan how horribly ugly she is, and she's resorted to comparing her father to RuPaul, who is apparently also ugly (or fabulous, if you ask me). G'head on with your bad, non-ugly self, girl... I guess?

8. She's already rockin' a "fuck the police" mentality. Her N.W.A.-like attitude started well before she became a New York transplant; while still in California, Amanda was constantly making headlines for hit-and-run accidents and driving on a suspended license.

More recently she's accused the NYPD of slapping her vagina, which is confusing as hell to me, and also of lying when they claimed she she a bong out the window. She originally said that the bong-like object was just a vase, but in court denied the existence of any object going out the window. Whatever the bong-case may be, Amanda has made it clear that she straight does not give one blue fuck about what the police have to say.

7. She's already got beef with haters in every city. The Rihanna-Amanda beef was a random insult heard 'round the Twitter world, but that's not the only ongoing tiff that Bynes has in the works; she has been in ongoing tiffs with Lance Bass, Perez Hilton (multiple times, might I add), Courtney Love, Scott Mescudi (Kid Cudi's full name, apparently), and about a zillion more randoms. Take your pick; she's got a nemesis at every turn.

6. She's already an (alleged) lover of the dank. She's been photographed in suspicious "rolled cigarette" situations from coast to coast, not to mention the whole recent not-bong situation that made headlines, but still denies her love for the ganja. She's even made the news over her neighbor's accusations that she's constantly smoking weed in the lobby of their New York high-rise, but she's still quick to deny the naughtiness. Maybe she'll rap about it instead.

5. She's obsessed with her portrayal in the media. Just take a look at Bynes' Twitter feed and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. She keeps an eagle eye on the media, waiting for her chance to jump in and call them out for using "ugly" pictures of her. She's quick to call out media outlets for using unflattering photos or for posting pictures of her pre-nose job, and obsessively tweets and retweets links, whether the story is a positive portrayal or not.

4. Her Drake infatuation could rival the Drake/Lil Wayne rap bromance. I mean, this whole Amanda Byne Watch 2013 thing started when she tweeted these seven simple words -- "I want @Drake to murder my vagina." No matter how many times Weezy has featured Drake on one of his tracks, he can't top those seven beautiful words. Ever

3. The words "Google me" have already left her mouth in public. According to the New York Daily News, Amanda was not allowed to board a private plane after being unable to produce any sort of identification. When pleading didn't work, she resorted to the ol' "Google me" ploy to get the hell on the plane. I'm not sure that has ever worked in the history of the internets, but rappers and actresses and Amanda Bynes will still continue to try, no matter the outcome.

2. She's taken to phone-snatching with the quickness. On a recent shopping trip, a blonde-wig-sporting Bynes was apparently more than slightly irritated with the attention she was garnering, and grabbed the phone of a fan who snapped her picture, deleted it, and gave it back. I mean, at least she gave the damn thing back, but it was slightly way Kanye-ish of her.

1. She has an affinity for strippers. Bynes has vocalized her love for Blac Chyna, and she seems to be modeling this new look after her, down to the cheek piercings. She's retweeted photo comparisons that seem to document the transformation from Amanda to Amanda Chyna, and has been kind enough to grace us with some lingerie/bordering on NSFW selfies in her bathroom mirror. She'll be makin' it rain with T-Pain before you know it.

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