'Tis the season for office Christmas holiday parties. No doubt you have already had yours at work, or are getting ready for one. They all include copious drinking, great food, stolen glances, slurry conversations, "Can ah bum ah cigarette?" and intentional accidental groping.
No bonus this year? It all went into cleaning the carpets at the party after "someone" had too many margaritas.
Karaoke is a big hit at these holiday parties. It brings out the diva in the wallflowers, and the sweat and cringing in all the rest of us. For some reason it also turns the nerdiest guys in the office rock stars. We've all been there, hanging from a rafter, shirtless, singing "Candle In the Wind" on what we will later say was a dare.
This weekend is the big Houston Press office Christmas holiday party. If anything fun happens, we will let you know. Don't worry about the Rocks Off team, we have some tricks up our sleeves.
Hint: FAYGO.
"Tears In Heaven," Eric Clapton
Hey man, some of us are trying to hit on chicks in other departments, not think about dead kids in heaven. Sing "Cocaine" instead. Ahh yeah!
"Daddy's Hands," Holly Dunn
You shouldn't be at a Christmas party.
"Pussy Control," Prince
As much as you think this will go over, women at parties don't want to think about young prostitutes selling the fun house on the street. But ultimately it's about perseverance, so we're torn.
"Patches," Clarence Carter
Because rich people want to think about poor people at a Christmas party. Good call. We would just be kind of stoked that a karaoke catalog had this in it anyway. Try Carter's "Strokin'" or "Back Door Santa" instead. Trust us.
"Let's Get Retarded," Black Eyed Peas
What kind of Nazi karaoke company did your employer hire?
"Baby Got Back" Sir Mix-A-Lot
Spring Break '92. You really suck. Sit back down, Romeo. She graduated the same week your daughter graduated high school. Ain't gonna happen.
"You Oughta Know," Alanis Morissette
Hey sugar, be a dollface and sing some Katy Perry. Can you get me another drink when you're done?
"With Or Without You," U2
Why? Because you will overdo the Irish accent and sound like a cast member from Angela's Ashes.
"Bodies," Drowning Pool
There's a reason two cops escorted you out of the office the day your previous job fired you.
"Father Figure," George Michael
Especially creepy if the head boss sings this around his female underlings. Women love being kicked down to size at the holidays. Look at Mary, she was just the chick who was carrying Jesus in her belly. You don't see her face on any murals or books or anything.
"I Will Always Love You," Whitney Houston
You may always love her/him, but she/he is too busy hitting on your friend/spouse to care/listen.
ARTISTS TO AVOID
Journey
Cool, if there are MILF's there...
Vanilla Ice
Irony is a dead scene.
Queen
You don't have the balls or the flash, and you will quit before the song is over.
Incubus
We saw this once. Guy really thought it would make him look sensitive.
Guns 'N Roses
Disclaimer: Only girls should sing GN'R, and they should only sing "Paradise City".
Pearl Jam
Jurrrrrreaahhhhmehhhh harrrr spooohkinnnn...
Michael Jackson
He's dead. We get it.
