30 Seconds With Richard Cheese

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Rocks Off sat down with Richard Cheese to see what we could learn about the man who turns all your favorite rap, metal, and rock songs into the lounge hits God intended them to be in 30 seconds.

Rocks Off: What is the worst song in the world?

Richard Cheese: I'd have to say the "Bank Of America Customer Service Phone On-Hold Music." It's awful. But even though I hate it, I've listened to it for hours and hours and hours.

RO: What is the best lyric in the world?

RC: Right now, I'm a big fan of the last verse of "Tighten Up" by The Black Keys:

Living just to keep going Going just to be sane All the while I know it Such a shame.

This is one of the great love song standards, right up there with "Here's That Rainy Day" and "In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning." Those cats are part of this wonderful new generation of saloon-song writers, just great words and music.

RO: Someone throws a beer bottle at you onstage. What do you do?

RC: I go outside and look at the marquee to see if I'm at the wrong venue, because our fans throw martini glasses.

RO: What would be the ultimate gig to play?

RC: Well, if there is no limit on time, space, or reality, I guess I'd like to do a nightly performance in Olivia Munn. A cappella.

RO: What would you buy with a million dollars?

RC: A giant tour bus that transforms into a flatbed stage with our musical equipment already setup, so we could drive from town to town and perform spontaneous shows outside of supermarkets, stadiums, and people's houses.

Then, I'll have Walt Disney Imagineering build an audio-animatronic Richard Cheese robot to drive the bus, perform the shows for me, and fax me the checks. Not sure why the robot only has a fax machine. I guess I will actually need $2 million.

RO: What would you buy with your last dollar?

RC: One of my CDs, because that's how much they're worth these days. (Please buy my CDs, we're really in the red on these.)

RO: What do you want written on the plaque beneath the giant statue future generations will erect in your honor?

RC: Richard Cheese: He Lounged Against The Machine. (On my birthday, instead of placing flowers, please leave cash. For my widow Olivia.)

Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine play House of Blues Friday.

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