The big music news of the new year so far is that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are expecting their first child. Everybody seems to have an opinion on that, and I won't go into how I feel about it because it's irrelevant. As long as Yeezy is still making music we all love, what business is it of ours?
But I do have one suggestion for him in this new fatherly endeavor: Hide some of your music from the baby. Not because of the content, mind you. I don't believe in hiding words from kids that they're going to hear in the schoolyard anyway.
I'm saying hide them because they're embarrassing. What new dad wants their new child to hear their dirty laundry? So here's five I think Kanye should not play in his home once the baby is delivered.
5. "Drunk and Hot Girls" How could an inventive Can sample and a guest vocal spot from Mos Def have gone so horribly wrong? Well, maybe this would have worked for someone a bit more intellectual and artsy than Kanye, but Ye, of course, took those artsier ideas and turned them into "Drunk and Hot Girls."
The verses are awful, the sample was a bold idea but falls on its face and ends up being horribly boring, and Mos Def's admittedly very nice singing is wasted here. Not a proud moment for Yeezy at all, especially considering the theme of the song is trying to have sex with a drunk girl and getting mad when she claims she's sober and rejects his advances. Creepy.
4. "Hate" Kanye and Jay-Z have recorded many, many incredible tracks together. "Hate," from Jay's Blueprint 3 album, isn't one of them. There's something appealing about the track's utter stupidity and cheesiness, but seriously, this might be the worst flow either of the kings of rap have ever ran with.
What's truly amazing is how they manage to stretch that same awful flow throughout the entire song, which makes it sort of fun to listen to in a weird way. But this one should have stayed a joke between the two of them, and certainly shouldn't be used as an example of a father's talent to his child. Come to think of it, Jigga should probably keep this one away from Blue Ivy too.
3. "E.T." This one was a Katy Perry joint, and I guess because Kanye knew it was going to be a hit anyway thanks to the names involved, he completely phoned in his verses. I'm pretty sure "E.T." is the worst of all bad Kanye verses.
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He doesn't say anything particularly naughty by rap standards here, but both of his verses are so horrible that he should probably hide them from his kid just so the kid doesn't lose respect for his talent. It all can be summed up in this line: "they callin' me an alien, a big-headed astronaut, maybe it's because yo' boy Yeezy get ass a lot."
2. "Kinda Like a Big Deal" This track done with the Clipse, featuring a Kanye guest verse, is maybe one of Ye's most offensive and horrible verses of all time. Not only is the flow bad, but we get supposed details about Kanye's life that nobody, especially his child, should ever have to know about.
In this track, Kanye spits the line, "special ed, got head from a girl in special ed," and the whole world let out a collective sigh. As rap boasts go, that one is just awful. Then he continues the theme for the rest of his verse. Ugh.
1. "Runaway" Despite "Runaway" being one of Kanye's best songs, his baby probably doesn't need to hear this self-effacing anthem dedicated to douchebags around the world (like Kanye). Not only is it embarrassing because Kanye admits to being a douchebag and an asshole, but no kid wants to hear that his or her dad is so inept with women that he can't understand why they would be offended by him sending pictures of his dick to other women.
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Throw "Blame Game" in there with this one too, because no child needs to hear Chris Rock's skit at the end. In fact, no one really needed to hear that in general.