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5 Songs About Being Eaten (Mostly By Sharks)

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Rocks Off is a big fan of the movie Jaws, though in spite of our affection for arm wrestling and sweet, sweet mutton chops, we always find ourselves sympathizing more with Chief Brody than with Quint. Given our druthers, we'd just as soon stay the hell out of the water. The better to avoid all the damn sharks. We realize you may not feel the same way. You may even point to meaningless statistics about how you're more likely to get struck by lightning while simultaneously buying the winning Lotto ticket and getting attacked by killer bees. FIne. Enjoy frolicking off Stewart Beach, secure in the knowledge the BP oil spill isn't driving all the Gulf's toothy predators this direction. Maybe you'd even enjoy some tunes for your swim? Jimmy Buffett, "Fins": Written by Buffett to capitalize on the the success of Jaws 2 (or not), this is a mainstay at his concerts and prompts the Parrotheads in attendance to raise their hands like dorsal fins and wave them back and forth as he sings the chorus. This is actually one of the less disturbing behaviors on display. And we don't know about you, but "sharks that can swim on the land" in one of Rocks Off's recurring nightmares. Heart, "Barracuda": Rocks Off credits a young Ann and Nancy Wilson - along with Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman and Jaclyn Smith - with kick-starting our puberty. We forgive them for singing about carnivorous fish. Bobby Darin, "Mack the Knife": The translation of the Kurt Weill/Bertholt Brecht standard most famous to American audiences is the Bobby Darin version, who somehow managed to make the lines "When the shark bites/ With his teeth babe/ Scarlet billows start to spread" catchy and non-horrifying. Fun fact: This song - which has been performed by everyone from the Doors to Lyle Lovett - was also covered by Frank Sinatra and... wait for it... Jimmy Buffett. It was also the theme of that creepy McDonald's ad campaign from the late '80s. Tone Loc, "If I'm Gonna Eat Somebody (It Might As Well Be You)": The character singing this song isn't aquatic (he's a lizard), but we're including this song - co-written by... wait for it... Jimmy Buffett - because it's a big hit among fans of something called "vore," which we do not at all encourage you to do an image search for. That's just weird, man. Accept, "Fast As a Shark": The grizzled German band was on the cusp of "Balls to the Wall" success when Restless and Wild was released in 1982. This cut, the lead song from the album, is recognized as a pioneering effort in speed metal, even if - as with early Scorpions - one gets the impression Udo and the boys never really bothered with advanced English classes. In this case, we think the song is about a sprinter who likes to kill people near churches.

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