5 Songs That Will Make Us Beat You Up

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Today is the late Judy Garland's birthday, and the embattled drug-addicted star of The Wizard Of Oz (plus a whole trove of movies we have never seen), would have been 88 years old. She was one of the first well-documented victims of drug abuse, at least in hushed tones. She was famous for roughly the last 45 years of her 47 years on earth, making her also one of the first true casualties of lifelong fame. Garland has about three songs in her canon that, we are ashamed to admit, we can (and do) sing out loud in the car by ourselves. Of course, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is one; the other two are between Craig's Hlist and God himself. We are listening to one right now, and we will beat your ass if you have a problem with it. There are tons of girly songs we shouldn't sing, but do, in our car and hum while we're listening at work. Blame having a pop-addicted household, or you know, having gay ears. What? We can admit that our ears aren't the straightest in the world. We like Erasure, Pink and Lady Gaga. The latter doesn't count, because Gaga's music is awesome and she's a musical geniu...OK, that's just the coffee taking over. Don't be surprised if you see a burly dude with a moustache and a homemade disco stick at the show next month. Wait, we might actually just keep the stick at home. That's what she said. This isn't about us being the gayest straight man in Houston; it's about listening to chick music that is supposed to be embarrassing. Excuse us while we go smoke a pack of cigarettes, build a house and wrestle a bear. Son of a bitch. Not that kind of bear - you know what we mean. Wilson Phillips, "Hold On" Don't act like when that snare drum kicks in you don't feel your heart jump. "Hold On" was partially written by Glen Ballard, who would go on to make Alanis Morrisette sound like a hardened bitch on Jagged Little Pill. At the 0:44 mark, it's pure pleasure. Hold on for one more day. Things will go your way. Kelly Clarkson, "Since U Been Gone" Screw it, when we can admit this was probably the best pop song of 2004? Everything about it slams hard, and we actually wish the guitars were louder. Clarkson's probably one of the most underrated female singers in the past ten years, who gets saddled with spotty material. She could totally do more aggressive stuff, but it would probably end up sounding like Evanescence in the wrong hands. And yes, we just had to teach Microsoft Word how to spell "Evanescence." Hole, "Miss World" We feel like Mister World when this thing kicks in, and don't think we won't be in the pit for this song when Hole comes to town on July 6 at House of Blues. We saw Courtney Love and what counts as Hole back in March at SXSW and we wanted to have the old lady's babies. Madonna, "Take A Bow" When the Houston Chronicle's Joey Guerra sent out a call on Facebook asking what everyone's favorite Madonna song was, we were the only ones in the guild who listed this 1994 ballad. Of anything in her catalog, we picked one of the most obscure songs, even ahead of "Like a Virgin" and "Lucky Star." We always liked the video because she showed her boobs and made out with a television. It was the hottest three minutes of our sixth-grade year, for real. We could have done without the naked bloody bullfighter, though. Spice Girls, "Say You'll Be There" Guess what? Craig's Hlist is an OG when it comes to the Spice Girls. We actually did see them live with our friend Natalie back in 1998. Her dad bought her front-row tickets to their show in the Woodlands. Sadly this was after Ginger Spice left the group, which saddened our perverted and base 15-year-old heart. Their first and only movie, Spiceworld, might as well be soft-core porn. We would take that shit any day over Emmanuelle or Red Shoe Diaries.

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


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