Written by S. Pajot/Miami New Times
Ultra Music Festival is 36 solid hours of EDM-themed overstimulation.
Superfamous DJs! Pop-star cameos! Half-naked ladies! Oiled-up beefcakes! Dancing robots! Human tacos! Toothpaste Man! Pyrotechnics! Cryo cannons! Fireworks!
Everything at Ultra deserves an exclamation point. Or maybe ten. And there's never less than 120 decibels rumbling through your already stimuli-flooded skull. So who's paying attention to what people are saying?
Actually, we are always listening. And we're taking notes. Because the chit-chat, shit-talking, and non sequiturs are just as entertaining, weird, absurd, unsettling, and LOL-able as anything else at this phantasmagoric annual spectacle.
50. "If you don't give a fuck about the rain, screeeeeeam!" -- Afrojack, refusing to let Ultra's opening-day downpour dampen his party spirit
49. "Boooooo! Moooooother! Naaaaaatuuuuuure!" -- Neo-hippie raver dude expressing mock disapproval of meteorological phenomena
48. "I was dirty and sweaty and sticky and greasy and smelly. So I don't mind the storms. It's like a shower. But you don't have to take your clothes off." -- A freshly washed, nowhere-near-fully-dressed female festival-goer
47. "The good thing about wearing a thong is it's safe from the rain, because it's stuck in your butt." -- Experienced, practical party girl, offering free pro tips
46. "If you can't rage through weak-ass storms, what the fuck are you gonna do when civilization breaks down and the whole world turns to shit?" -- Drenched prepper guy in a "Drop Bass, Not Bombs" T-shirt
45. "Is this a backpack? Is that a backpack? What is a backpack?" -- Three friends getting philosophical about whether their CamelBaks are subject to Ultra's new Prohibited Items policy
44. "Don't bother with a bag. Wear a kangaroo suit. You got a built-in bag." -- Dude in a kangaroo suit
43. "C'mon, why ban binkies? If they're safe for babies, they're safe for everybody." -- Girl not named Molly in a "Your Girl Molly" tank top
42. "Who needs a pacifier when you've got a hot dog?" -- Giggling guy sucking a wiener
41. "How much are the franks?" -- Hungry raver
40. "What? Huh? No way? For real? Unh-unh? Bullshit!" -- Bro in disbelief
39. "That's what's happening inside my heart!" -- First-time Ultra raver screeching as confetti explosions split the sky above the Main Stage
38. "I feel like dancing! I wanna dance! I gotta dance!" -- An already-dancing muscleman in gold lamé bikini bottoms
37. "Who are these dorks just standing around?" -- Unimpressed party person
36. "They're music journalists." -- New Times reporter
More funny stuff on the next page.
35. "When you find PLUR, the universe become one big kandi. And the planets are huge beads. And we're just billions of little beads. " -- A recent convert to Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect
34. "If the whole world just got together to rave, our only problem would be too much fun. And probably lack of water. Haha." -- Raver studying sociology
33. "I met, like, 16 aliens today. They were all nice." -- A wide-eyed, straight-faced young lady, presumably referring to people in smuggled-past-security masks and not an actual encounter with super-friendly extraterrestrials
32. "There's gotta be life on other planets. We just don't know. Where do you think all that bass on those NASA tapes is coming from?" -- Self-described "sci-fi geek" in a Skrillex alien face T-shirt
31. "When we meet ET, he'll love EDM." -- "Ultranaut" kandi wearer, predicting the musical preferences of beings from outer space
30. "I don't know him!" -- A young guy taking a breather from sucking face with a stranger to explain their level of acquaintanceship
29. "Yes, you could meet your soul mate at Ultra. There's, like, 200,000 people here. It's just the chances are shitty. Like dying by asteroid." -- Tough chick in a "You're Not My Boyfriend" belly top
28. "I fucking love you! I fucking love you! I fucking love you!" -- Shirtless guy screaming at the Krewella sisters
27. "He knows they don't love him back, right?" -- Guy behind the shirtless guy
26. "We're actually really close on Twitter." -- Shirtless guy
25. "How do you do, officer?" -- Human taco to a City of Miami cop
24. "I'm good. And you look delicious." -- Cop, responding to the taco
23. "I never have food at Ultra. Because I don't want to have to go to the bathroom at Ultra." -- Party girl struggling with parcopresis
22. "Bro, you can't bring bananas in there. Those bananas are banned." -- One unmasked gorilla to another unmasked gorilla
21. "But I wasn't even gonna eat them." -- Gorilla, leaving his bananas behind
20. "I don't believe in him. But Jesus came to rave. And he brought his girlfriend. Cool dude." -- Atheist at a beer tent
19. "In the name of Tiësto, Martin Garrix, and Steve Aoki." -- Smartass making the sign of the cross as the Christ lookalike passed
18. "If there's a god, I think he knows how to party." -- Lady in lingerie discussing religion with a Jehovah's Witness outside Ultra's main gate
17. "This music is the voice of Satan in screeches and beats. It's sad that they can't hear what the songs are really saying." -- Evangelical Christian protester
16. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" -- Transcendent moment at Ultra's Main Stage
More funny stuff on the next page.
15. "Wake me up when shit gets real." -- Bored bro
14. "How does somebody fall asleep in the middle of the day when they're surrounded by thousands of strangers and there's 120 decibels blasting them in the face?" -- Incredulous festival-goer, shaking his head at a slumbering kandi kid slumped into a seat at the Live Stage
13. "PLUR vibes are heavy, man. Those beads and shit add 20 pounds to your body. A guy's gotta rest sometimes." -- Incredulous festivalgoer's friend
12. "There's Waldo!" -- Food vendor, pointing at a skinny guy in glasses, a red-striped shirt, and a playfully cocked, pompom-topped beanie
11. "Where's Molly?" -- Raver chick looking for her friend whose name was actually Molly
10. "Which one's trashier?" -- Woman with a weed-leaf pasty on her right nipple and a kissy-lips pasty on her left nipple
9. "Well, is trashy a good thing?" -- Pasty woman's wardrobe advisor
8. "Yes." -- Woman cupping and lifting her right breast for inspection and then her left breast for inspection, and then right, left, right, left, right, left
7. "I heart boooooooobs!" -- Dude who'd just removed his "I ♥ Boobs" shirt
6. "So do babies." -- Funny lady in dominatrix gear
5. "Bieber! Bieber! Bieber! Bieber! Bieber!" -- Lusty screeches from a bro with cat paws, humping an invisible JB
4. "There are things that you will only ever see here. And they will change you forever." -- Spirit-hoodied man-child in tears
3. "I'll be coming to this festival until I die." -- A sexagenarian lady raver in furry boots
2. "Best Ultra ever!" -- First-time UMF attendee
1. "We're going in 2016, right?" -- Sad 17-year-olds outside the gates
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