8-Bits Ain't Nothin' But Hos And Tricks

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Rocks Off got Donkey Kong Country Returns for Wii for Christmas. Big deal, right? We're willing to bet there are less than a thousand 29-year-old American males who didn't receive some kind of video game as a gift, but it's a big deal for us.

See, we actually kind of did grow out of video games like our parents always said we would. The only reason we even own a Wii is because The Brother With One F second-handed it to us once he settled into a long-term relationship with his XBox. That was two birthdays ago, and we've turned it on less than a dozen times before this Christmas brought us back into the gamers' world.

Why did we stop playing video games? We realize now it was because of Donkey Kong. Specifically, because of Pauline. Pauline was the lady Donkey abducted for vague monkey reasons only to be saved by Mario.... who gets exactly squat for it.

No matter, he just moves on the snatching royalty from the claws of Bowser and death. His reward? Still nothing? Hell, don't any of the old-school heroes get a trip to their lady's Warp Zone in return for battling zombie turtles and jumping around in a giant freakin' shoe?

Consider Link. At least Mario is a grown man with a sidekick brother. Link's just a kid, and he takes up sword and bomb bag in the name of Princess Zelda. Imagine Justin Bieber suiting up in armor to rescue the Obama twins from the clutches of Vladimir Putin. If the Biebs pulled that one off, by himself, I think we can all agree that the first words out of the president's mouth when he gets back better be, "So, which one you like better?"

Turns out we're not alone in this revelation. Everyone, meet Patrick Donahue. Patrick, this is Everybody. Patrick does comedy on YouTube, dabbling in music videos. He was into that hip clarinet and marimba scene that so many kids got into, but switched to acting in college. He now uses music mostly for comedy's sake, such as his "Live Free or Twihard" rap song.

What we want to talk about today is his song "8-Bit Ho."

Mario is despondent, having once again come to the rescue only to be told that the princess has a headache, and an important meeting in the morning, blah blah blah. Back at his lonely and not at all super apartment, Megaman shows up to start the rave. Aside: Every rave we have ever seen has been set up by Megaman. That's normal, right?

The music video shows the various video-game vixens giving up their sweetness to the bad guys while Mario and Link lament and lay down some serious disses to their missuses. It's like Patrick can see right into the deepest angst of our souls!

Rocks Off: When did you first notice that some of our most revered Nintendo heroes never seem to actually get anywhere with the girl they rescue?

Patrick Donahue: You know, it just always seemed that Mario never got more than a kiss on the cheek at the end of any of his games. And when I was little - And still! - I loved the Legend of Zelda animated cartoon. His famous catchphrase ("Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess") anytime he tried to steal a kiss after a harrowing adventure just popped the idea in my head.

I always wanted them to end up together. Then of course, there's the real life examples I've seen of almost couples, myself included, where one person just tries and tries and can't win the other one over. I think everyone can relate; almost everyone has had someone they've felt that way about.

RO: Who's the worst 8-Bit ho?

PD: The worst 8-Bit Ho? Probably Peach from Super Mario Bros. At least when Ganon is stealing Zelda, it's mostly because she's the wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom; any action on the side would just be icing on his evil cake. With Peach, sure, she rules the Mushroom Kingdom, but it's not like Bowser tries to actively rule once he kidnaps her.

He does it because he wants her. And she proved in Mario RPG and Smash Bros. that she can deal out some pain, so at this point, she gets captured because she wants to get captured. And she strings poor Mario along the whole way.

RO: Do you plan on doing a sequel on 16-bit hos?

PD: Probably not. Hopefully, "8-Bit Ho" has been providing a bit of entertainment, and by its somewhat quick rise in view counts, it's at least considered fairly good. Why try and ruin the quality and originality of the first one with further videos? But rest assured there are plenty of more videos in the pipeline on other subjects. One (much further down the road) about certain DC characters.

RO: Don't you think a heartfelt ballad would've gotten the point across better?

PD: I don't think you can get more heartfelt ballad than traversing Hyrule, The Mushroom Kingdom, and other lands dozens of times over to save the girl you love. Mario and Link have put blood, sweat, and tears, into making their girls happy.

Yet they'll probably fall for anyone who attempts to sing to them... Damn shame really. No doubt they'd have Bieber fever; meanwhile, Mario and Link are taking fireballs to the face.

You can download the MP3 for "8-Bit Ho" for free here. Also, make sure you watch the video to the end to see one of the princesses audition for amateur porn. No, we're not kidding.

Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.

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