8-Bits Ain't Nothin' But Hos And Tricks

Rocks Off got Donkey Kong Country Returns for Wii for Christmas. Big deal, right? We're willing to bet there are less than a thousand 29-year-old American males who didn't receive some kind of video game as a gift, but it's a big deal for us.

See, we actually kind of did grow out of video games like our parents always said we would. The only reason we even own a Wii is because The Brother With One F second-handed it to us once he settled into a long-term relationship with his XBox. That was two birthdays ago, and we've turned it on less than a dozen times before this Christmas brought us back into the gamers' world.

Why did we stop playing video games? We realize now it was because of Donkey Kong. Specifically, because of Pauline. Pauline was the lady Donkey abducted for vague monkey reasons only to be saved by Mario.... who gets exactly squat for it.

No matter, he just moves on the snatching royalty from the claws of Bowser and death. His reward? Still nothing? Hell, don't any of the old-school heroes get a trip to their lady's Warp Zone in return for battling zombie turtles and jumping around in a giant freakin' shoe?

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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner