A Crucifixion Playlist By A Satanist. Hey! That Rhymed!

Everyone who isn't going to burn in a lake of fire after they die, and even some of us, know that Jesus Christ was crucified on Good Friday only to respawn three days later on Easter. At that point, he emerged from a rabbit hole with a collection of painted eggs -- it was boring being dead, okay? -- and had his trained bunny hide them so that the kids could have a little something to keep them busy while he finished making the homemade chocolate candy that he gave to the multitudes using his famous lunch powers of multiplication.

I did say I was going to hell.

All poking holes in Jesus aside (Ha ha, I kill me), Good Friday isn't a specific date. It moves around quite a bit, and it got me wondering if we happened to have a solid consensus on when Christ might have actually died in the historical sense.

Hell, as you can imagine walking back through several different calendar systems (including the crap observational one that was in use during the life of Christ), is kind of an actuarial nightmare. Luckily, Pontius Pilate is a fairly easy historical reference point, which helps narrow down the possible dates.

In the end, using math, the Bible, and a few other sources, April 3 is generally accepted as the date of the crucifixion. So today, I thought we'd put together a nice collection of tunes mentioning the unfortunate practice of nailing people who piss you off to pieces of wood.

Tori Amos, "Crucify": I've got every Tori album, and most of her singles thanks to the Wife With One F's endless affinity for Ms. Amos, and yet the first tune I ever heard by her remains my absolute favorite. It's full of some of her best lyrics, and speaking as the representative of the Evil One that I am, to me the saddest thing about the Passion story is that anyone should feel the need to die hard for the sins of man. Amos sums up that fallacy perfectly.

Public Enemy, "Welcome to the Terrordome": You might think it's weird following up Tori with Public Enemy, but she almost included a cover of "Fear of a Black Planet" on Strange Little Girls. So she's down, is what I'm saying.

PE makes a point in "Terrordome" about the actual purpose of crucifixion. It's not just that it's a slow, painful way to die. It's also that you take someone who is a threat and you leave them publicly humiliated and defenseless.

Chuck D makes an airtight case about the rise of black acceptance being met with as much betrayal and persecution as the early Christian church, though at least by 1990 it was unacceptable to Stop! Hammer Time dissidents in America. Make no mistake about it, though, if Black Planet had been released in 33 A.D., Public Enemy would be dangling.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner