Do you like cookies? No? Well at least now we know who the hidden aliens are and can send Roddy Piper to deliver fisticuffs and quips about the surplus of ass-kickings inversely proportionate to the scarcity of bubble gum.
Seriously, though, cookies are awesome, and it was on this day 101 years ago that the world was granted the alpha cookie, the Oreo.
Back before the National Biscuit Company went street and shortened its name to Nabisco, it ripped off another cookie called the Hydrox to begin its reign as American's best-selling biscuit of all time with the Oreo.
The Hydrox fell by the wayside, and the imitation became lord in its place. They were sold for a mere 25 cents a pound, and more than 450 billion Oreos have been washed down our collective gullets with milk since their creation.
The Oreo has always been good, but it was a food scientist named Sam Porcello who perfected the glorious white goo that makes the sandwich cookies irresistible. Don't worry; it's just vanilla flavoring, sugar and some oil. There's no lard in them anymore, which is why they're kosher!
In honor of this day, we pay tribute to the Oreo in song. Get some milk and play along!
Weird Al Yankovic, "The White Stuff" It's possible that you don't remember the New Kids on the Block, and if that's true, then I'd like to talk to you about a possible memory swap. Weird Al did what he does best when he parodied their hit "The Right Stuff" by turning it into an ode to the Oreo. Saying he spreads the filling on his toes was a little much, though.
Veruca Salt, "Oreo" I am breaking one of my most sacred playlist rules here by not having a link to listen to or having actually heard the song to recommend, but the lyrics are too perfect not to include.
According to this Veruca Salt message board, the song was played only a few times as an encore and never recorded. Nina Gordon wrote it about a friend of hers who went to fat camp and how men would try to tempt the girls into sex with snack foods. Here are the lyrics in their entirety.
There's a truck over there.... Filled with Oreo cookies..... There's a guy over there... He wants to fuck me..... For some Oreo brand sandwich cookies!
OKninja, "Oreos" I swear I could have done this whole article with nothing but parodies, but dammit I want some honest Oreo appreciation here. OKninja takes on Lady Gaga's "Poker Face," but the video alone is a killer reason to give it a whirl.
MF Doom, "Kookies" I discover the weirdest rappers in the course of filling out these playlists. MF Doom, who raps in a Dr. Doom mask because why not, put out Mmm... Food in 2004 using food references to make double entendres about online pornography in between samples of old superhero cartoons.
"Kookies" especially makes some rather creative cream-filling nods, with some extremely subtle if lecherous wordplay when it comes to the similarities between cam girls selling themselves and Girl Scouts hustling samoas outside the Kroger.
Said the Whale, "Plans for the Future" Said the Whale is never going to be my favorite band, but digging into the meanings of the lyrics in "Plans for the Future" reveals some incredible depths of poetry. An unnamed nightwoman tells our narrator that he's "the cream in the Oreo" now, but to always make sure not to sleep through life and waste his opportunities. That's a message we can all get behind.
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