Austin City Limits

ACL 2009 Day One: In Which Rocks Off's Black Heart Is Melted And We Meet Vinnie Testaverde

With another ACL comes another chance for us to sharpen our snarkening knifes and go out hunting the wilds of Zilker Park searching for only the best in surreal public displays and the fancifully misguided and miscalculated public faux-pas. On with the show!

These two chill-ass dudes made us wish we would knock someone up soon, because we have so much cool stuff to teach kids, like right now. It has to be most ricky-tick before we got all old and we stop hunting to name our child Spike, Lemmy, or Chainsaw (if it was a girl).

Ever meet someone so steeped in another time period that you actually have a batshit fleeting moment where you lose grips of sanity and begin to question whether or not an express time portal from 2009 to 1995 exists? Were you born a nerd or have you working at it your whole life?

Surely Vinnie Testaverde isn't just walking around wearing his old jerseys to music festivals right? I mean we saw Craig Biggio rocking the orange and blue at FPH Summerfest but we figured it was just his laundry day.

Dudes, we knew it was only a matter of time before all of our constant letters and e-mail chains would pay off and that sex toy company would start making the Lisa Lampanelli sex dolls again.

Nah, it's cool you guys. You stay under this tent and watch infomercials, NASCAR, and college football. There's this big-ass music festival going on a few yards away. Like forty-five bands are playing all day, scantily-clad chicks walking around being perty, and there's booze pretty everywhere. Text us when that episode of Stargate: SG-1 comes on that we like so much.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty