All Falls Down: Kanye West's Six - Well, Seven Now - Douchiest Moments

If you're aware of Kanye West's - whom Pollstar is reporting stops at Toyota Center with Lady GaGa January 22; good luck selling tickets for that one now, kiddo - past behavior at all, then you're probably surprised this article isn't longer. His habit of blurting out inappropriate, nonsensical non sequiturs, his tendency to throw a tantrum at the tiniest provocation, his love of blogging in all caps - you'd normally expect this kind of behavior from a 12-year-old Xbox Live player in Ritalin withdrawal, not from a grown man responsible for several award-winning albums which some people consider brilliant art.

Just in case you haven't been paying attention, here are the moments that most made us mutter to ourselves "Holy shit, Kanye West is a total douche".

1. Kanye Screams At His Houston Tech Crew: During a 2008 concert at the Woodlands Pavilion, West's science-fiction-inspired stage show suffered a glitch in which two of the giant screens went blue. "Turn the fucking screen off!" Kanye immediately shouted at the crew. "Turn the damn screens off if they not working." While it's understandable that, when something goes wrong with his intricately designed stage show, Kanye would naturally want the problem corrected immediately, did he have to be such a dick about it? We're fairly certain the crew were working as hard as they could to fix the problem - which they did.

2. Kanye's Backstage "Give a Black Man a Chance" Meltdown: After losing in all five categories in which he was nominated at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye went ballistic backstage and - thank God - someone thought to leave one of the cameras on to record it. Kanye hysterically trashes Britney Spears and MTV, threatening to never appear on the channel again. Promises, promises...

4. The Whole Jesus/"Passion of the Kanye" Thing: When we first read that Kanye was stirring up controversy by participating in a Rolling Stone photo shoot wearing a crown of thorns, our first reaction was to check the date, just in case it was April 1. Our second reaction was "You're fucking kidding, right?" We learned a valuable lesson that day: in matters of allowing his ego to run unchecked or portraying himself as a martyr, Kanye West is never, ever kidding.

5. It's a Benefit for the Victims, You Ass: During NBC's A Concert for Hurricane Relief, which benefited victims of 2005's Hurricane Katrina, Kanye used his opportunity to deviate from the teleprompter and postulate his own unique political theory - namely, "George Bush doesn't care about black people." At any other time, we would have happily applauded any mud slung at our least favorite president, but for Christ's sake, Kanye, this was for charity. It's not about you! Just do your bit and move on.

Although West's timing is inappropriate and he's only half-right - "George Bush doesn't care about poor people" would be more accurate - our favorite part of this clip is still Mike Myers' square-jawed determination to soldier on and pretend he's not standing two feet to the right of a babbling clown shoe. Kanye West later apologized and claimed he has "little baby Tourette's," a condition that causes him to "speak the truth" at inappropriate times. Wow.

While we doubt Kanye is actually afflicted by a disorder which did not exist until he spontaneously made it up, by this time we were seriously suspecting an undiagnosed case of Asperger's Syndrome, a sort of semi-autism invented by doctors to attempt to explain why certain people are unbearable self-centered assholes.

6. Kanye West Does Not Care About Women: Even Chris Brown will not come right out and say he didn't beat the shit out of Rihanna, because he and everyone else in the world knows he did. This did not seem to bother Kanye, who, during the taping of his VH-1 Storytellers episode, asked the public to give Chris Brown a break. Not only that, but he went on to praise O.J. Simpson, asking the crowd, "Was he not amazing?"

The message was clear: if you've ever hurt or (allegedly) killed a woman, Kanye understands and bestows upon you his forgiveness. Aww, is it too late for another Jesus photo shoot? Some people cried censorship when VH-1 cut these remarks from the broadcast, forgetting that VH-1 Storytellers is supposed to be an hour-long show, Kanye's barely-coherent rambling resulted in three hours' worth of footage, and VH1 graciously extended his episode to 90 minutes to accommodate his brain diarrhea.

7. Kanye Interrupts MTV Award Winners Onstage, Part 2: Taylor Swift seems like a sweet girl, and her albums always get good reviews, so when she won the award for Best Video at Sunday night's MTV VMAs, we were happy for her. Our happiness turned to horror, however, as Kanye suddenly appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the microphone away from the startled 17-year-old, and proceeded to declare that Beyonce should have won the award. Kanye achieved the status of "Double Douchebag" by not only interrupting Swift during what should have been her moment, but ostensibly doing it on behalf of another artist (who appeared just as stunned and embarrassed as Swift).

Kanye, don't pretend for a second that your little interruption was about anyone other than you. Also, don't suck up to Beyonce; Jay-Z is 100 times the man you are, and she's not going to leave him for you. Major props to Beyonce for bringing Swift out later, and even more props and possibly a marriage proposal to Kelly Clarkson, for addressing Kanye like the dignity-free titty baby he is on her blog (..."you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways.").

What can we say? We raise our women right here in Texas.

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John Seaborn Gray