Houston Music

An Important Health-Care Message From Delicious Milk

File Under: It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Wednesday night, after the first of two Houston Press holiday parties Rocks Off will be attending this week (no karaoke at this one), we thought it would be a sound decision to go see Robert Ellis & the Boys at Fitzgerald's.

It was. Ellis and band are in something of a George Jones groove these days, and are sounding mighty fine. While we were there, we ran into Omar Afra, which is not that surprising because, besides editing and publishing Free Press Houston, he is also a partner in the club. We think he may sleep there, but so far have been unable to confirm that piece of information.

In hindsight, Rocks Off supposes we could have asked Afra something important, like when he and Fitz partner Jagi Katial will announce the lineup for next year's Free Press Summer Fest, but we didn't. (Note to self Omar: Anything to report?) Instead, we asked him if he wouldn't mind writing us a little something something about his band Delicious MIlk.

We have followed Delicious Milk's career with no small amount of interest over the years, even though we have actually blogged about them exactly one other time, when we brought you the world premiere of their song "Titties Tonight." This evening the breast boys will finally make their long-awaited live debut, opening for wayward comedian/pharmaceutical test subject Andy Dick.

Whatever Dick is up to - some mix of comedy and music, we hear - it will have to be pretty damn spectacular to not be upstaged by Delicious Milk. With all due respect to Buxton, Wild Moccasins, The Ton Tons, Giant Princess, etc., this is the band that's going to finally put the Houston music scene on the map once and for all.

But we'll let Afra tell you about all that himself. Rocks Off left what he sent us earlier today as is, except for the scurrilous innuendo concerning Omar and a member of our staff. We do have standards here, people.

My friend and comrade at arms Chris Gray gave me the glorious opportunity to guest blog here today. He said he thought it would be a good idea for me to write something related to tonight's inaugural Delicious Milk performance opening for Andy Dick at Fitz.

There is much to speak on in this regard, like the connectivity between titties and rock and roll, why my wife is so disgusted with me, where bad cocaine comes from, and why all white people should sit at the back of the bus. But for once in my life, I am gonna skip the chance to shamelessly self promote and talk to you kids about health care for a minute.

That's right, health care. Ya see, I had an eye-opening experience about two months ago. I got a call from a musician friend of mine, let's just call him Eric Sullivan, complaining of his first hemorrhoid. Despite being 32 myself, I had never had a hemorrhoid, so naturally I laughed and reveled in his misery. What a mistake that was, because indeed, sometimes karma is instant.

Upon waking up the following morning, lo and behold, I felt a strange sensation on my butthole I had never experienced before. I was sure it was a hemorrhoid and decided the best thing to do was to see a doctor immediately, as these things are best rectified immediately. I hear many a horror story about operations on the anus and weeks spent soaking in bathtubs.

So upon arriving at the doctor I was instructed to put on a gown, lay down on my side in the fetal position, and bring my knees to my chest so another grown man could inspect my poop-shoot. Situations this awkward are [among] my few joys in life, and I took the opportunity to crack jokes about him needing to wash his hands and asking about his breakfast.

But there came a critical moment in his examination where I asked, "This has got to be the worst part of your job," where he responded, "No, the worst part of my job is where people mistake hemorrhoids for boils on their anus and I go ahead and pop them." And then he went to work.

Now, why is this story remarkable? Because I have no health insurance. I am a cash-paying client. Either way, this visit cost a mere $80. This man has seen horrible things, ventured into buttholes unknown, and is asking the bare minimum financial compensation. I can't change a headlight for less than $100?! This guy was definitely underpaid.

So what lessons can we extract from this story? :

  • Doctors do nasty work for little pay.
  • Sometimes hemorrhoids are really boils. (It is MUCH better to have a boil as they last significantly less longer than hemorrhoids.)
  • Eric Sullivan has a hemorrhoid
  • Don't laugh at his hemorrhoid
  • Delicious Milk, Houston's answer to the Large Hadron Collider, is opening for Andy Dick tonight at Fitz.

Thanks Chris.

Anytime, Omar. We're anxiously anticipating Delicious Milk this evening. See ticket information here.

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Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray