An Ultra Music Fest Newb Loses His Virginity

Note: One of the biggest dance-music festivals in the U.S., Miami's Ultra Music Festival, took place in South Florida this weekend. Ryan Pfeffer of our sister paper in Broward/Palm Beach, Fla., filed this report.

Downtown Miami's 32-acre Bayfront Park is swarming with some 60,000 glistening, glittered bodies. The lights on Ultra Music Festival's Main Stage make the Vegas strip look like the ass of a dying lightning bug. The minimally dressed millennials are dancing like they're mad at the ground, and Snapchating every second of it.

And then there's you: The poor Ultra virgin, glued to the wall, nervously hiding a semi-erection that you can't really explain. The bass is making your face itch, and you don't understand why no one seems to find this orgy of sound and vision quite as bizarre as you do. They all seem to be so comfortable. But you? You're about as comfortable as a sleeping bag made of sandpaper.

But fear not, Ultra virgin. You are not alone. I, too, am an Ultra virgin. Or, at least, was an Ultra virgin.

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