Whatever

Assembling the Ultimate Video-Game Band

Being resident Houston Press video-game reviewer is an awesome gig. I mean, getting paid to play video games? What's not to love? But I still think of myself as a music journalist, and today I thought I'd combine the two. What if we could build a supergroup out of some of the best musical characters in game history? Today, let's live that dream.

Vocals: GLaDOS

Pros: The antagonist AI of the Portal series sings two songs over the course of the games, and one of them, "Still Alive," was a fairly moderate hit. She's a consummate performer whose voice has become recognized as one of the greatest in game history.

Blessed with an amazing wit and a penchant for modern indie rock, as well as an imposing form that can dominate a performance as she dangles from the ceiling, she'd make a perfect front person.

Cons: She's murderous, bitchy, sarcastic, and openly insults anyone around her with passive-aggressive menace. Actually, that pretty much describes any lead singer, so really we're just talking a matter of degree here. Just keep her away from anything that can be used as a weapon.

Lead Guitar: Eddie Riggs

Pros: The Jack Black-voiced roadie turned heavy-metal adventurer Eddie Riggs not only plays well, but his guitar Clementine grants him magical powers while in use. Riggs is widely knows as the one of the best men to have around either on tour or even if you should be thrown into a demonic hell dimension. He's cool under pressure, consummately professional, and did we mention the magical spellcasting guitar?

Cons: Riggs sometimes has difficulty asserting himself, preferring to remain in the background as his roadie training dictates. As arguably the most talented musician in the band, this can result in a lack of initiative when it comes to deciding wise courses of action or songwriting choices. He can also be easily deceived.

Rhythm Guitar: Lord Raptor

Pros: Preferring a more punk-rock approach than his fellow shredders' metal background, the zombie king is an undisputed showman. With his distinctive, undead look and shapeshifiting abilities he puts on a very impressive show.

Before his resurrection, he was a popular and best selling artist in his native Australia. His debut album Oral Dead went platinum before he committed suicide and took over a hundred fans with him.

Cons: Raptor is a fame-hungry monster that is constantly looking to improve his notoriety or barring that rule the world. He also has no regard for the personal safety of anyone around him, and cannot be trusted at all. Though arguably the most successful musician in the bunch, he is not a talented as he appears.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner