Note: In his column Serrano Time, Houston's award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.
Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.
At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra-special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.
Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But that would have required using anime pornography, which wasn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!
"Legs Shakin'" feat. Ludacris
This song is about performing oral sex on a girl until her legs shake. This GIF is the exact opposite.
"Cookie"
"Cookie" is about vagina cookies.
"Throw This Money on You"
"Throw This Money on You" is about being so moved by a woman that you feel compelled to throw money at her. This GIF is the exact opposite. I don't want to throw money at this little guy. I want to throw tiny kisses and squeezes and nuzzles at him.
"Marry the Pussy"
"I'm gonna make you happy, pussy." --R. Kelly.
Not that kind of pussy, wonderful little cat. This song is about wanting to marry a girl's vagina. That's the only part of her he felt was worth keeping. :(
This GIF is the exact opposite. :)
"You Deserve Better"
"You Deserve Better" is about a girl that deserves better, a euphemism for "R. Kelly's ding-dong." This GIF is the exact opposite. This kitty does not deserve R. Kelly's ding-dong. He needs me to love him forever and make him feel special because that's exactly what he is. LOOK AT HIS TINY LEGS DANGLING OH MY GAWD.
"Genius"
This song is about the luck a girl has had by choosing to have sex with R. Kelly because he is, well, a sex genius. This GIF is the exact opposite. I don't imagine this tiny pup is a sex genius. He's probably, like, never even gotten laid.
"All the Way" feat. Kelly Rowland
"All the Way" is about going all the way with R. Kelly. But the charming tike in this GIF is not going all the way with R. Kelly. He is going the opposite way.
"My Story" feat. 2 Chainz
R. Kelly's is kinda whatevs, really. But what about this adorable little darling's story?
"Right Back"
This song is about R. Kelly and his friends and how much he likes them. It's also about how church wasn't that great for him, that his friends were way better. This GIF is actually right.
"Spend That" feat. Jeezy
This song is about spending a lot of money on things, cool things, sex things, unnecessary things. But this sleepy cat is not interested in any of that.
More Kells on the next page.
