It's nearly the end of August, so you know what that means: kids in Texas have been back at school for nearly a month. Yup, nothing says "education" like throwing a fifteen-year-old out of bed at 6:30 in the morning and forcing him to sit still and pay attention for eight hours while he stares out the window at ideal beach weather.
Well, cheer up, pinhead. They can make you go to class, but they can't make you pay attention. When your history teacher starts blithering on about the Teapot Dome Scandal or some such damn thing, all you have to do is play our Back to School Ramones mixtape in your head.
Or on your iPod, if you can get away with it. We've even arranged them by subject for your convenience.
"Rock N Roll High School"
I hate the teachers and the principal Don't wanna be taught to be no fool Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock 'n' roll high school
As far as anti-anthems go, there may be none better than this one. Alice Cooper's "School's Out," maybe, but the mise-en-scene is all wrong; that's more for shouting triumphantly on the bus home on the last day of school in May. "Rock N Roll High School," on the other hand, can carry you along on a wave of attitude all school year long.
"I Can't Make It On Time"
I keep tryin' and tryin' I can't make it on time
So what was first period, anyway? Because we needed another hour of sleep and we missed it completely. Hopefully it was something non-essential, like Art or Theater or Math.
SECOND PERIOD: MATH
Frustration, disgust, aggravation, disgust, mental hell I'm not feeling very well
No such luck, we suppose. The Communists launched a bleeping little basketball into orbit in 1957, therefore you must learn how to solve impossibly complex equations. Solve for X? Again? But we just solved for it! Why do you keep changing it? JUST LEAVE X ALONE, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!
THIRD PERIOD: HISTORY
"My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes to Bitburg)"
If there's one thing that makes me sick It's when someone tries to hide behind politics I wish that time could go by fast Somehow they manage to make it last
Now you can ignore the prattling of your teacher while actually remaining on topic, thanks to this less-than-impressed take on Ronald Reagan's trip to Germany.
"Everytime I Eat Vegatables It Makes Me Think Of You"
She had a very bad affair With some cat from Hiroshima She turned into a head of lettuce She eats Thorazine in her farina
What? Dude, that's messed up.
FOURTH PERIOD: GYM
"Beat On the Brat"
Beat on the brat, beat on the brat Beat on the brat with a baseball bat, oh yeah!
Let's face it, if you're a rebel child then come gym time, there's an excellent chance you're totally screwed. Nobody likes to pick the guy in all black and Converse All Stars to play on their team, and even if they did, you wouldn't want to play. Plus, the locker room is where the lion's share of bullying will take place, so while you're delivering an entirely justifiable self-defense beat-down, pump yourself up by keeping this song in your head.
FIFTH PERIOD: ENGLISH
"Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue"
Now I wanna sniff some glue Now I wanna have somethin' to do All the kids wanna sniff some glue All the kids want somethin' to do
English? Hell, you speak English, right? Or close enough. Sort of. Look, we've seen your text messages, so we're not gonna lie and say you couldn't use some training in this area. But come on, this is the worst part of the day. You're coming down from gym class, and you're falling asleep fast.
You'd better sneak out to the bathroom or the basement or wherever for a little pick-me-up to get you through the rest of the day. Just be sure that airplane glue doesn't have bad interactions with the many prescriptions your parents have had you on ever since you bit Mrs. Dinsmore on the leg in second grade.
SIXTH PERIOD: ART
"I Don't Wanna Grow Up"
I don't wanna have to shout it out I don't want my hair to fall out I don't wanna be filled with doubt I don't wanna be a good boy scout I don't wanna have to learn to count
Ah, art. The easiest, cheesiest part of your day. If you can convince your teacher that fingerpainting is a valid form of artistic expression, then you're home free. Sure, you could attempt a valid, mature artistic enterprise, but eh, that smacks of effort. Abstract Expressionism, here we come!
AFTER SCHOOL: DETENTION
"Punishment Fits the Crime"
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I hear the bells of freedom chiming And inside my heart I feel I'm dying Wise guys never compromise They they lose their rights and they act surprised
Yeah, well, they're gonna catch you sometimes, you little troublemaker. Take it like a man, and spend your D-Hall scribbling obscene doodles of the teacher that sent you there. Put it in a portfolio and Xerox them, then plaster them all over the school in May. Yes, this could be exactly the kind of long-term project you've been waiting for. And they said you weren't learning anything!