Pop Life

Beat On The Brat: Back To School With The Ramones

It's nearly the end of August, so you know what that means: kids in Texas have been back at school for nearly a month. Yup, nothing says "education" like throwing a fifteen-year-old out of bed at 6:30 in the morning and forcing him to sit still and pay attention for eight hours while he stares out the window at ideal beach weather.

Well, cheer up, pinhead. They can make you go to class, but they can't make you pay attention. When your history teacher starts blithering on about the Teapot Dome Scandal or some such damn thing, all you have to do is play our Back to School Ramones mixtape in your head.

Or on your iPod, if you can get away with it. We've even arranged them by subject for your convenience.

FIGHT SONG

"Rock N Roll High School"

I hate the teachers and the principal Don't wanna be taught to be no fool Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock 'n' roll high school

As far as anti-anthems go, there may be none better than this one. Alice Cooper's "School's Out," maybe, but the mise-en-scene is all wrong; that's more for shouting triumphantly on the bus home on the last day of school in May. "Rock N Roll High School," on the other hand, can carry you along on a wave of attitude all school year long.

FIRST PERIOD/HOMEROOM

"I Can't Make It On Time"

I keep tryin' and tryin' I can't make it on time

So what was first period, anyway? Because we needed another hour of sleep and we missed it completely. Hopefully it was something non-essential, like Art or Theater or Math.

SECOND PERIOD: MATH

"Mental Hell"

Frustration, disgust, aggravation, disgust, mental hell I'm not feeling very well

No such luck, we suppose. The Communists launched a bleeping little basketball into orbit in 1957, therefore you must learn how to solve impossibly complex equations. Solve for X? Again? But we just solved for it! Why do you keep changing it? JUST LEAVE X ALONE, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!

THIRD PERIOD: HISTORY

"My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes to Bitburg)"

If there's one thing that makes me sick It's when someone tries to hide behind politics I wish that time could go by fast Somehow they manage to make it last

Now you can ignore the prattling of your teacher while actually remaining on topic, thanks to this less-than-impressed take on Ronald Reagan's trip to Germany.

LUNCH

"Everytime I Eat Vegatables It Makes Me Think Of You"

She had a very bad affair With some cat from Hiroshima She turned into a head of lettuce She eats Thorazine in her farina

What? Dude, that's messed up.

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John Seaborn Gray