Big Mac Boogie

If you're free September 25, head over to Austin for the final stop of the "McDonald's Live" tour, where artists TBA will play a free parking-lot concert at one of the state capital's many Mickey D's. (How "America's Fattest City" let this one get away is a Sphinxian riddle.) "We're always looking for ways to strengthen brand relevance with young adults, and we know from work we've done in the past that music is their No. 1 passion," McDonald's director of U.S. marketing Douglas Freeland told Billboard last week.

The hamburger chain and pop music are hardly strangers. McDonald's sponsored Destiny's Child's "I'm Lovin' It" tour in summer 2005, a few months after it offered to pay any rapper whose lyrics mentioned their food up to $5 every time their song was played on the radio. For some reason, that idea never got off the ground, but it hardly matters. Dozens of songs in every genre imaginable reference Ronald and friends. Here's ten of the tastier lyrical McNuggets:

Crass, "Smash the Mac": The double-meat sandwich with the special sauce always makes an ideal symbol of our consumer-driven culture. "America owns, America wins, comes in packets, bottles, tins...smash the Mac, smash the Big Mac." Song concludes, ever so subtly, "E.T. go home, E.T. go home, Mickey Mouse fuck off."

Skee-Lo, "The Burger Song": Wishing you were a little bit taller helps work up quite an appetite, as the diminutive Bay Area rapper sets a new record for number of menu items mentioned in one verse. "I'm a Big Mac, a BLT, Quarter Pounder with some cheese. Filet of Fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal. Milkshake, Diet Coke, bigger or the smaller size, a chicken Oriental with salad on the side."

Barenaked Ladies, "McDonald's Girl": The goofy Canadians behind "One Week" are after more than a quick bite to eat. "I'd like an order of fries, a Quarter Pounder with cheese, I love the light in your eyes, will you go out with me please?"

Devo, "Too Much Paranoias": The golden arches make the Akron New Wave icons more jittery than usual: "Think I got a Big Mac attack, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us. All that we ask is that you let us serve it your way." What is this, Burger King?

Big Daddy Kane, "Big Daddy vs. Dolemite": Verbally sparring with the "Human Tornado" himself, Rudy Ray Moore, Kane brags "I kicked Jack's ass and took his ho Jill, I'm the one who broke the bull's back. Fuck McDonald's, call me the Big Mac."

MC 900 Foot Jesus, "Adventures in Failure": The Dallas alterna-rapper, best known for 1994's "If I Only Had a Brain," also enjoys fast food, to the possible detriment of his marriage. "A Big Mac is calling my name, I gotta sample some of Ronald's cooking, so I raid my wife's purse when she's not looking."

Wesley Willis, "Rock & Roll McDonald's": The late singer-songwriter/manchild often tipped the scales at over 300 pounds. Small wonder, with these lyrics: "McDonald's will make you fat, they serve Big Macs, they serve Quarter Pounders. They will put pounds on you." Later, Willis breaks it down Recommended Daily Allowance style: "A Big Mac has 26 grams of fat. A Quarter Pounder has 28 grams of fat."

Mike Jones, "Don't Work U Don't Eat": Houston's king of the hustle throws up the arches to fend off the haters. "If you got beef cool, I got the A-1 sauce, you must forgot I pack a Big Mac. I run in Mickey D's, pop your ass up."

Heavy D, "We Got Our Own Thang": The overweight lover can't resist likening his skills to the popular hamburger: "Throwing on lyrics like you throw up a flapjack, you're a Chicken McNugget and I'm a Big Mac."

Mr. Bungle, "Squeeze Me Macaroni": After having his way with Betty Crocker and Dolly Madison, Mike Patton gives props to the redheaded pimp in the yellow coveralls: "Ronald McDonald just loves to be fondled, with Big Mac he'll fuck it like a Chicken McNugget."

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray